Congratulations Neo Kevin Bacon!

Sooner or later, the era of Kevin Bacon had to end.  Motherfucker couldn't just keep on going on, being in every movie, just traipsing across screen, charming moms and dissatisfied wives, murdering innocent people, avenging his son.  Time catches up with all of us, and sooner or later even an elemental fucking force like Kevin Bacon must recede into time.

But worry not!  Because the universe has seen the day when Kevin Bacon's star will fade.  It has marked in ink this date on its calendar, and in preparation, it has seeded the apparatus required to accede Kevin Bacon's throne to a child, a child who, upon the date that Kevin Bacon dies, will fully unlock their baconest potential.

This is the backstory of your birth, Helga Baconerson-Tomlins.  This is the backstory of today, the day you erupt from your mother's foaming vagina and into the terrifying otherness of the world.  At first it will be cold, horribly cold.  But soon you'll come to know a tense inner strength that few can question, that all are drawn to.  And on a fateful day, when Kevin Bacon dies, a weeping man will walk into the coffee shop you work in, look up at you and suddenly realize that he needs you in his movie.

On this day he will ask you "Have you ever thought about acting before?" and you will shrug and the world will change forever.

But today you're just a horrified child being born.  It's going to be rough at first, but stick with it for the rest of us.  We need you.

Congratulations Neo Kevin Bacon!