Congratulations on Making Wyatt Cenac Uncomfortable!

Stand-up comedians, by their nature, seem super approachable.  And, by their nature, they’re usually profoundly uncomfortable in social situations and generally don’t like being around people very much.  So they usually avoid random strangers at bars after shows and immediately run home.  But tonight, comedy luminary Wyatt Cenac is going to hang out after a show at the Comedy Cellar and eat a meal while he drinks a beer, and boy howdy are you ever going to fuck up his night.

First, you’ll remove your shirt before walking up to him.  You’ll massage your breasts the entire time you speak to him, occasionally pausing to flick your nipples and make oohing sounds.  You’ll also only talk to him about things you can do with your vagina – most of these “things you can do” could actually more accurately be classified as “things you’ve put into it,” so the entire listing process is going to become old-hat very, very quickly.

He’ll do his best to look down at his plate and just eat his meal but, in the interest of getting a piece of that sweet, sweet Cenac, you won’t let him go that easy.  You’ll climb up on the table and start humping his meal.

“Fuck yeah,” you’ll whisper in his ear.  “I love the way those mashed potatoes feel inside of me.”

He’ll respond by flipping the table and running away.  By the time you get the table off your chest you won’t know where he is, but you will be there, laying around, covered in food.  You’ll wipe the potatoes from your eyes and take in the room, shaking your head at your ill fortune.

Then you’ll notice Todd Barry, standing nearby, staring at you and nodding.  You’ll wave at him.  He’ll point at his chest, then at yours, before nodding again.

Forty minutes later you and Todd Barry will have made the biggest set of mistakes in your lives, and nine months later you’ll put a small child with a severe genetic predisposition towards balding, up for adoption.

Congratulations on Making Wyatt Cenac Uncomfortable!