Congratulations Drunk Neurosurgeon!

When you grew up you loved the movie Arthur.  Absolutely fucking loved it.  When they remade it you were crestfallen.  Russel Brand?  The worst.  Dudley Moore was a hero of yours, a brilliant man who, despite drinking profound amounts to stave off the loneliness which he remained at the center of, could still do his job like no one else.

That’s why you’ve been drinking steadily throughout your life.  From high school to college to med school, you’ve always had a bottle close at hand just in case you start to sober up, and damned if you haven’t stayed one step ahead of the liver police the whole time.

All that will end today when you slip up while performing surgery on a senator’s brain.  You usually don’t slip up, but your alcohol balance will be slightly off, so instead of being incredibly, intuitively good at cutting inside people’s heads, your hands will shake uncontrollably and your scalpel will slip into his frontal cortex, severing several key pathways that allow him to do things like feel feelings and see colors.

You’ll have your license revoked by the end of the week and you’ll be in a federal prison by the end of the month.  This will lead to two years with good behavior of you trying, unsuccessfully, to avoid being raped while dealing with a severe case of delirious tremens.  When that’s all done you’ll re-enter society as a mob leech thanks to a made cellmate of yours.  Years from now you’ll look back on your time in jail and laugh, but for the immediate future, try not to laugh: lifers think it’s a sign of weakness.

Congratulations Drunk Neurosurgeon!