Congratulations on Your Album's Success!

It’s tough to  break into the music world today.  With known quantities flooding the market and a persistent influx of new, nigh indistinguishable artists constantly making entries into a chart system that, in reality, is more like a “shit music mill,” it’s tough to make any kind of lasting impact.   Some people do it through sheer luck, like Carly Rae Jepsen.  Some people are incredibly talented, like Annie Clark.  Some people are really smart, like Thom Yorke.

And then there’s you.

If the last twenty seven years of your life have taught you anything, it’s that you’re neither smart nor lucky nor talented.  You are, at best, a middling musician of average intelligence who gets hit by a car every year and a half or so just so you don’t forget that the entire universe is aligned against you.  So what’s your path to success?  The one chosen by mediocre people the world over for decades now, from Bjork to Vampire Weekend: being as weird as you can be so that people will pay attention to you.

That’s why today you’re going to release what will become your single greatest contribution to human civilization: an album that consists entirely of vampire bats having sex.

It’ll be a miserable, atonal mess of sounds, occasionally sampled and combined into musical forms but all too often simply permitted to chaotically mingle in a sonic between-space where nary a note transpires as vampire bats gasp and yelp and hoot in delight, pain, surprise and satisfaction during their mercifully occluded fuck sessions.

You’ll release your album into the Christmas market and, sure enough, it’ll be a huge fucking hit.  Everyone will be like “Holy fuck” and you’ll be all like “I like being interviewed” and then they’ll be all “Brilliant!” and you’ll be all “Yeah!” even though you know it’s not true.

Later you’ll release a second album of actual music that will be critically reviled.  But today, and for the following year and a half, you’ll live fat off of your vampire bats fucking album.  Well done, jackass.

Congratulations on Your Album’s Success!