Congratulations New Sandals Sampson!

Winter is a great time to find bargains on shit that should’ve been sold months ago and is just being sold now.  Like, say, sandals.  Terrible looking sandals that you find at J-Crew in a bargain bin and pick up and try on over your socks that make you feel amazing.  Sandals that you walk out of the store wearing with a whistle on your lips and a bounce in your step.

As you bound out of the store, swinging your J-Crew tote filled with sweet sweet clothes a man will spot you, notice the J-Crew bag and the sandals over socks and immediately pull a knife on you.

“Gimme ya wallet!” he’ll shout at you, spittle flecking from his lips on to your face. 

You’ll spaz out, drawing your wallet from your cargo shorts and, in your effort to throw it at him your normal spasticness and the magic of your sandals will combine and make you hurl your wallet into him in a way that also makes you punch him in the face.  Your blow will shatter the mugger’s jaw and render him unconscious, putting him into a coma that he will never awake from.

You’ll look at your unscathed fist, amazed, then look down at your sandals.  You’ll put two and two together and nod to yourself.

“Time to do this right,” you’ll say under your breath before running off to start fighting crime with your sandals on.

After incidentally injuring several additional muggers as your pussy reflexes, spasming movements and sandal enhanced strength combine to make you a whirling, thrashing human danger zone, you’ll decide to cross the street without looking to get a Jamba Juice.  While you’re about halfway across the road you’ll notice a bus bearing down on you.  You’ll chuckle to yourself.

“I got this,” you’ll say to no one in particular, as you prepare to thrash wildly in order to “defeat” the bus.

Unfortunately, your sandals will simply enhance your usually girlish strength.  They won’t make you unbreakable and, as such, you’ll die when the bus strikes you, knocking those sandals (and socks) right off you and into the hands of a terrified young boy who will see the entire thing from the side of the road and, after years of wondering just what happened, put on the sandals and socks and go on to become an actual, functional crime fighter.

Congratulations New Sandals Sampson!