Congratulations Piece of Paper!

You think you’re so cool, don’t you, piece of paper? Today you’re going to waft on a updraft and inspire a young woman to get an abortion by reminding her that life is actually just a system of natural events that, while serendipitous, are only as sacred as we can make them. You’re going to make her realize that her life shouldn’t end because her boyfriend insisted on not wearing a condom and then broke up with her because “her vagina was too tight.”

Then you’re going to flutter up and inspire a young poet to write a poem entitled “Paper at 12:42 PM.” It’s going to be super pretentious and make a lot of people think they’re smarter than they really are. Academia will write a number of essays about how amazing and meta the piece is, never realizing it’s actually about a fucking piece of paper outside some shithead’s window.

Then you’re going to blind a hang glider who is going for the world record in hang gliding, having been launched from a plane high above the city you’re fluttering up through. You’ll make him lose track of his direct and nose down way too far, careening himself into the earth at breakneck speed and dying horribly in the process.

So we’ll forgive you for the second part and just remember you for the first and the last big things you accomplished today. Congratulations Piece of Paper!