Congratulations on Feeling Kind of Invincible!

Today you’re going to get a little bit wasted and wander through Chinatown. Usually when this happens and a white person is involved they just end up getting their ass kicked, their wallet removed and their supine form deposited in a place where it will be discovered, but not too quickly so as to insure that the honky in question suffers adequately. But you’re no average honky. You’re Kurt Russell.

And you’re going to hit the stress of Chinatown like an ancient mystical dragon or a sweet tattoo thereof on some dude’s chest. Every time someone steps to you you’ll lay them out with a sweet hay maker from one of your meaty fists.

You’ll stumble from bar to bar in this brazen fashion, laying Orientals low left and right, until you finally come to a massive abandoned warehouse. At this point you’ll be so drunk that you’ll believe you’re inside the story of the John Carpenter film Big Trouble in Little China and you’ll head into the abandoned warehouse, believing that this is your chance to vanquish those god damn sorcerers once and for all.

Surprisingly you’ll be totally correct about the warehouse housing a group of ancient wizards. The moment you step in the door they’ll summon massive winds to push you out. You’ll press forward against them, those years of mime training finally coming in handy. After a few minutes of struggle, however, one of the spell-weavers will recognize you.

“Kurt Russell?” he’ll ask in a stage whisper, before shouting. “Is that Kurt Russell?! Of stage and screen fame?!”

“Fuck yes!” you’ll shout back. Laughing, he’ll motion for his friends to stop casting you out of their mystical warehouse and get a piece of paper ready so that he can get your autograph, but you won’t notice that. You’ll be so intent on beating the shit out of every Asian dude you see that you’ll just lay him out as he tries to hand you a pen.

His friends will sigh. This happens every time a celebrity comes into their secret lair, apparently, and it always ends the same way. They’ll combine their powers and shock you within an inch of your life and leave you on the outskirts of Chinatown, where you’ll be picked up by the police early the next morning. The papers will run a story about your nearly fatal blood alcohol level, knowing nothing of the strange mystical underworld you stumbled upon in your drunken stupor.

Congratulations on Feeling Kind of Invincible!