Congratulations on Your Impending Oral Surgery!

Today you’re going to show up at your dentist office all bouncy and cheery.

“One for a sweet, sweet dose of nitrous!” you’ll declare to the receptionist, who will stand up and give you a high five. She’ll have a really nice lip piercing, the kind that makes you want to kiss her if only to ask if it hurt when you let you teeth drag over the metal.

“Right this way!” she’ll say, sashaying her hips in such a fashion that makes her impossible not to follow down the hall as you watch the play of her lab coat over her skirt, implying the violent movement that her hips, still concealed beneath that skirt, are capable of.

She’ll bring you to a room and set you down on a chair, making sure you’re comfortable and offering you a lollypop. “All set?” she’ll ask, bending over so you can see her cleavage from an ideal angle. You’ll nod silently and she’ll smile and tromp out, her boots audibly clomping the carpet despite her apparent lightness.

Once she’s left a nurse will walk in. She’ll be an aging woman, also in a lab coat worn over casual clothing. She won’t be wearing makeup, although she will have a somewhat puzzling grin on her face.

“Ready?” she’ll say.

You’ll nod, a little nervous because of her seeming nonchalance despite the fact that your jaw is about to be cracked open and the deepest recesses of your mouth-hole vacated for the amusement of a few doctors and your greedy insurance company.

“Good,” she’ll say, sticking your arm expertly with a needle. Then she’ll drive an IV into just the right spot and hook you up to a bag filled with some of the sweetest legally controlled chemicals this side of the two oceans bordering America oh god now we’re losing consciousness.

Congratulations on Your Impending Oral Surgery!