Congratulations on Getting Some Exercise In!

Usually you’re not too big on exercise. And why would you be? Exercise is for losers with low self-esteem and fat people. But you do love to party.

So this Friday while you’re partying it down with your boys (yes you actually talk this way) you’re going to get your fix o’ exercise when you’re chased through the streets by wild fucking dogs.

“Shit bro! Dogs!” one of your douchey friends will shout as the dogs leap at him, taking him to the ground and setting upon his face and throat. “Ahhhhh!” he’ll elaborate.

“Whoa! Harsh, bra!” another friend will cry as dogs leap at him, devouring his eyes right out of his skulls. His screams will fade to muffle quickly as the dogs set upon him and devour his tongue.

“Dollar margaritas at Marios!” another friend will shout before he is hamstrung by dogs who then begin raping him violently. His cries will echo through the alley.

But you and your bro Chad will book it for the other side of the alley, away from Mario and towards the comfort of O’Galligans, the ethnically questionable Irish bar in your neighborhood.

You’ll pump your arms and legs and push your bodies as hard as you can, feeling your lungs burn and your eyes sting from sweat as the dogs draw ever closer to your heels.

“Party foul!” Chad will exclaim just before you hear the sound of his body tumbling, his screams as the hounds set upon him. You won’t turn around. You won’t have the courage, the desire. To look back at Chad is to invite his fate upon yourself.

You won’t stop running until you reach O’Galligans and slam your fist down on the bar, ordering a shot of jager and a beer. You’ll feel like you really earned it after watching all your friends die and doing all that gay ass running, and later on tonight when you stumble back to your empty frat house to play Halo alone you’ll think of how unfortunate it was that you were all beset by dogs and, briefly, had to engage in physical activity of some kind that didn’t involve a keg.

Congratulations on Getting Some Exercise In!