Congratulations on Going Bowling with a Porn Star!

There are a few things you’re going to have to do to get this whole thing together.

First, go to Riley Mason’s website. We’re not sure where it is, but it’s a small internet and we’re sure that if you Google her you’ll find ample pictures of her being ploughed. Ample enough to keep you interested until you find her booking website.

Second, you’re going to have to find a way to transport Riley Mason to wherever it is you are in the world. This could be a matter of calling a town car service and having her and her bodyguard come to your apartment so the three of you can get in your Chevy Tahoe and hit the road. Or it could be as troublesome as you passing a background check, flying her to your city, hiring a trusted member of a security agency located in that city and having the security guard drive the three of you to a nearby bowling alley in his car, because yours might have gas or some shit in it.

You’re also going to have to pay her up front fee, which is a couple hundred per hour, travel time not included.

But after all these steps have been taken you’ll show up at a bowling alley with Riley Mason, who will actually be dressed in a fashion which is totally normal (because that’s how alt-porn girls do). She’ll have an amused, somewhat puzzled look on her face as she walks around the alley with her bodyguard in tow, drinking PBR and ignoring the stares as best she can.

You’ll ask her her shoe size as you pick up your rentals and she’ll laugh when she answers. She’ll tell you when you show up with a pair of sixes that usually men just ask her that so they can buy her skanky shoes that she can wear while they fuck her. She kind of likes the change. You’ll smile and tell her that you probably couldn’t afford to fuck her which, if you had to do the whole plane thing is probably true, and she’ll laugh and punch you in the arm.

The game will go by easily with you, and for a few seconds you’ll believe that you’re on a date with a girl, not paying to spend time with someone who has sex with more people than you can probably imagine. It’ll be a surreal experience for the two of you, each of you pretending that you’re normal for very different reasons, and when you ask her if she wants to bowl a second frame she’ll shrug and say “Sure” without even thinking of her billable hours.

When the bowling leads to a few more beers and the beers lead to more beers the two of you will talk like it’s the first time you’ve ever really met, like one of you hasn’t been paid to fuck in front of crowds the world over and the other one has had a significant relationship since the era of being able to carry liquids through airline security. You’ll pay for all of her drinks lavishly, which won’t be that bad because her taste will actually be quite cheap, and at the end of the night you’ll be too toasted to drive. The body guard will have to give the two of you a ride back to your apartment.

At the door Ms. Mason (which is not her real name, of course, but it is poor taste to besmirch such a lady by printing such information without her permission) will hold your hand as she walks you up to the door. She’ll tell you that she had a lot of fun and that it was totally worth it to visit you. She won’t mention money once. She’ll just captivate you with her beauty, and you’ll make her feel like a person again instead of an object with your genuine attempt to woo her. When you reach your door and struggle with your keys she’ll give you a quick, chaste kiss on the cheek and then depart back to her security guard, who will be waiting in either your or his car.

The two of them will drive away, leaving you smiling like an idiot on your porch. You won’t even realize that that was your car, assuming that was your car, until the next day when you need it and can’t find it. Even then you’ll have a little glimmer of hope when you see a text from an unknown number asking if you want to get brunch or something. Assuming, of course, you lived close enough to just hang out with her and that you didn’t have to fly her in. In the latter case a bodyguard will show up and ask you for your email in exchange for your keys, leading to one of the strangest long distance relationships in your life.

Congratulations on Going Bowling with a Porn Star!