Congratulations on Your Upcoming Curb Party!

We feel super bad about this, just so you know, but you totally have it coming.

See you’re one of those spineless banking douchebags who engineered, more or less, the recent American financial crisis through diligence, greed and sheer poor business decision making. And while you did already sort of get your comeuppance in the form of some wrist slap fines and a long talking to in public in front of Congress like you’re a naughty puppy or something you were never really punished.

Well today all that’s going to go right into the shitter while you’re driving your hot rod red drop top Lexus right through Hicksville Alabama (located just outside Montgomery). You’re going to stop for gas and while the toothless attendant fills up your car (actually just a homeless man you pay to stand there and hold the pump, since Alabama doesn’t enforce full service gas stations) a group of neo-Nazis will follow you into the bathroom. Once they have you surrounded inside they’ll ask you what you do. You’ll cheerfully respond that you do a little banking and that will be enough for them.

They’ll proceed to beat the living shit out of you, literally wiping the floor with your bloody face. Then a few of the repressed homosexuals in the group will take the time to rape you in the mouth and anus before taking you outside and giving you a good old curb sandwich while your homeless man watches from your car, perplexed. Eventually he’ll get the cashier to call 9-1-1, but only after he explains that dealing with the legal fallout of having a white person die outside his store would be devastating.

What follows will be one of the strangest trials ever, where a jury consisting mostly of poor black people will cheer enthusiastically during almost all portions of the proceedings. The judge will strongly consider throwing the case out as a mistrial, but after some backroom meetings wherein he’ll determine that everyone involved is a total asshole he’ll just shrug and decide to give the neo-Nazis a decade long prison sentence and leave you with your stitched together jaws, sucking food through a straw for the rest of your life. No financial restitution will be offered to you, for reasons unstated by the judge, but in the end it’ll be difficult for you to appeal. Your attorney will already have his fees, and whenever you ask him why he doesn’t want to appeal and get more money he’ll just shake his head and tell you to take what small victories you can in a nation where the vast majority of people just want you dead.

Congratulations on Your Upcoming Curb Party!