Congratulations on Completely Trashing Your Hotel Room!

Prom night is a special time in every young person’s life. Well, most young people’s lives. Even if they don’t go to the prom they’ll probably end up at an afterparty or, barring that, alone in their home eating ice cream and watching re-runs of Dallas back to back while they have a good cry.

You, however, are one of those cool kids that drinks beer and smokes marijuana cigarettes, so there’s no question as to whether or not you’ll be going to your prom. After all, someone needs to be there to distribute various substances and be publicly inebriated in front of faculty member, chaperoning parents and staff, and you’d sooner die than shy away from your duties as head dipshit for the night.

But since you’re so cool and awesome you’re also going to host a super cool after party in a hotel room far above the prom. It’ll be stocked with wine coolers, “skank ass weed” (Mexican Brick variety) and the cheapest vodka money can buy. And even though you’ll be dancing with a super hot girl who doesn’t seem too interested in you and they’ll be playing that dope ass song by Disturbed you love so dearly all you’ll be able to think about is getting up to that room and partying down.

When prom ends and those fuckers unchain the fucking doors and let you little hellcats out into the real world for one night of adult style fun and passion you’ll sprint to the elevator, nearly ripping your bored date’s arm off. You’ll ram her, and several of your “friends” (people who buy drugs from you) into the elevator and head on up.

When you open up the door it’ll be everything your parents told you it should be. The wine coolers will be better than cool – they’ll be downright cold. The Mexican brick weed will be in pre-rolled joints, and the vodka will be “all up on ya” as you insist on repeatedly saying. You’ll run around the room high fiving your friends and hooting loud as you can. But before the festivities begin properly you’ll excuse yourself to the bathroom to “tame the snake,” which you think is a euphamism for urinating but is actually a coded phrase for masturbation.

You’ll be in there long enough for either of the two options to be a reasonable guess, thanks largely to an untreated UTI you caught through unprotected sex with the sullen faced girl during a yeast infection. By the time you emerge the room will be in shambles, most of your so-called friends gone with all of the booze. Most notable among the absentees will be your, until a few minute ago, date for the night, from whom you hoped to solicit a handjob.

The room will be in shambles, the few remaining party attendees mostly there to salve your wounded feelings, inform you of a fake second location where “the party has moved to” and to try and get some more drugs out of you in exchange for your friendship, because drugs are the only reason anyone talks to you in the first place anyways.

So prom night will tick by with you sitting alone in a hotel room with only the beer that you brought to the bathroom with you, watching your former friends file into someone’s minivan. They’ll look like they’re having a lot of fun.

Congratulations on Completely Trashing Your Hotel Room!