Congratulations on Convincing Yourself of the Veracity of the Show Hung!

Today’s fortelling is quite the feat. We honestly didn’t think anyone could make themselves believe that a TV show about an attractive young woman renting out a gym teacher to all of her suburban housewife friends for sex was actually possible. But someone genetics aligned and made someone as stupid as you, so we guess we’re wrong.

Step one will have to involve being desperate enough to believe in a fantasy like this. You’re a high school gym teacher, so you’ll pretty much have that bit covered.

Step two will be convincing yourself not only that attractive suburban housewives like sex in the first place (when, as we all know, women universally abhor sex) but that they’d actually be hard enough up for it and desperate enough for it to want it. We suggest head trauma or several decades of heavy drinking to deal with this step. Your career as a gym teacher, however, might’ve already taken care of it for you.

Step three will involve convincing yourself that all women everywhere find having sex with a man with a freakishly large penis to be the best sexual experience of their life, bar none. Pornography, especially the sort of pornography that features a dead eyed young woman who looks like she might start crying at any second, will take care of this for you.

Step four will involve seeing an episode of Hung. Since we know you can’t afford HBO, we suggest getting the DVDs through Netflix. The queue will have a fairly long wait, so this could take a while. Alternative viewing sites such as alluc or Hulu might also be able to help you here.

The fifth and final step will involve just willing hard enough that you can actually make yourself believe that the shit you see on television is more than just entertainment, that it is a real possibility that could become your life if you work out more and keep on those penis pills. You’ll accomplish this goal with unsettling ease.

So Congratulations on Convincing Yourself of the Veracity of the Show Hung! It’s still not going to make your dick bigger, and it’s definitely not going to get you laid!