Congratulations on Enjoying Your Youth!

There are relatively few things on this earth that are truly universally reviled. Ticks, John Boehner, Jim Belushi and ranch dressing on French fries all seem like good bets, but even those sometimes have their exceptions. For example, birds like eating fattened ticks, really fucking stupid people who are easily manipulated like John Boehner, people with self-esteem issues feel better with Jim Belushi around and really dumb self-destructive people love ranch dressing on their French fries.

But no one, we mean no one, likes Junior High School. Even people who think they do are really just sadomasochists who spend most of their time devising new and horrible ways to spread their own self hate to others.

That’s why you, unlike every other person in America, are really going to enjoy your youth. This is because today, at the tender age of eight, you’re going to be traveling a plane which will crash land in the Yukon. Everyone on the plane except for yourself will be killed instantly on impact. You’ll drag yourself clear and be discovered by a pack of wolves who will raise you, teach you about the forest and one day, using connections with Jack London, get you into a relatively prestigious undergraduate university.

In raising you this way, in the frozen north, they’ll save you not only from starvation, but also from the terrors of other adolescent children beset by hormones, children prone to bouts of cruelty and malice for no reason other than the capricious chemistry within their bodies on that particular day. They’ll spare you junior high school. And so we feel not the slightest twinge of irony when we tell you Congratulations on Enjoying Your Youth!