Congratulations on Falling in Love With Radha Mitchell!

Today you’re going to be a 15 year old boy and you’re going to watch the film Pitch Black for the first time.

You’ll pick it out at random from your dad’s home theater after an exceptionally shitty day as a high school freshman, desirous for something outlandish and new to take your mind off of the oppressive, lonely place that is your teenage world. You won’t know anything about it. You won’t even know that it spawned a feature sequel, an animated sequel, two video games, a series of comics and a set of oft and justifiably ignored trade paperbacks. You’ll just see the lettering on the spine of the DVD and think “Huh.”

You’ll sit down in front of the TV with half a tray of pizza bites and a bag of Goldfish and have no idea what to expect. The opening shot will puzzle you, the flash back will disorient you, and the sexual tension between Fry and almost every male character in the film will make you unpleasantly aware of your teenage physiology.

At first you’ll just think “Wow, this is stylized” and “Wow, this is kind of bad,” and you’ll be more or less right about that. But as time goes on and you see the arc of Fry, her guilt, her choices, her sacrifice and her eventual tragic demise, you’ll come to see that Pitch Black is actually kind of an amazing movie. And when Riddick bites his lip, waiting for as many creatures as possible to climb on the engines as possible so that he can obliterate them when he takes off you’ll be able to relate to him completely.

When the credits finally roll you’ll see the name of the actor who played Carolyn Fry: Radha Mitchell. The cantor of the name upon your ears, its beautiful spelling and exotic tone paired with her incredible good looks will entrance you. And on that day you will realize that Radha Mitchell is that beautiful beacon of life that you’ve been searching for for so long.

Congratulations on Falling in Love With Radha Mitchell!