Congratulations on Proving You're the Coolest!

Plenty of people think they’re cool. But relatively few of those people are, in fact, scientists who have painstakingly created methods by which to display their overall coolness. In fact most people who think they’re cool can barely do math. According to your coolness index that makes them, as a rule, incredibly uncool.

But you’ve never actually applied your coolness index to yourself. You’ve always wanted to, curious as to just how cool you’d turn out to be under the harsh, objective lens of science. But fear and laziness and attempts to bang hot chicks all got in the way. Until this morning.

This morning you’ll get some test results in early. Normally when this happens you just go play Peggle for a while and pretend to be “sciencing” but today you’re going to open up Popcap’s web page and be greeted with a message that, sorry, this page is currently down for scheduled maintainence. Cursing under your breath you’ll search through the various files on your hard drive, looking for something resembling a game, when you’ll find the lengthy word doc detailing your Coolness Index and its application. It’ll even have a form table that will allow you to insert values and calculate your own personal coolness.

You’ll immediately open the file and pull out a ledger, filling out your own coolness numbers by hand as you go. As a scientist you learned long ago not to trust computers with truly important math, after all, and this is perhaps the most important calculation there is: the calculation that will mathematically show how cool you are.

You’ll spend so much time crunching the numbers that when you look up, your task completed, you’ll have realized that you scienced right through lunch and into the early afternoon. Chewing on a Nutrigrain bar while you look over your results you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

According to the Awesome Coolness Index 2.0, you’ll be the coolest possible person in the world. According to your scale of cool, the manner in which you dress like you just don’t care, your single status, your shitty car and your amazing skills at math and science will make you the coolest and most uninhibited human being possible under the conditions of modern society.

You’ll share your results with your attractive female lab mate, but she’ll seem unimpressed. She’ll look over the test and laugh for a while, which, if anything, should make you feel even cooler because chicks totally find you funny. But for some reason it will just make you feel uncomfortable which, if it was factored into your coolness equation, would make you less than the coolest guy on the face of the earth.

Congratulations on Proving You’re the Coolest!