Congratulations Tweens!

A tween, so occluded by the attention of the people around him or her and his or her self-awareness, might be able to twerk.  A tween so twerking might escape notice, but far more likely a tween twerking will attract attention to their situation, moving up and down wildly, as if twerking were life.  A tween so aligned might twerk their way into their lover's heart, or a tween, so twerking, might fail miserably at doing so, might embarrass oneself or crash into a table and light a portion of a house on fire.

A tween so twerking might become a twerking machine, incapable of cessation of said twerk activity, perpetually trapped in a framework of movement known as twerk, undulating up and down selectively.  A tween so twerking might become famous, might stick their tongue out, might capture the spirit of a nation or just one boy or girl for years to come.  A tweek so twerking might get ripped as needed to sustain such action, but we here at Sexy Results do not advise that tweens twerk under the influence, as the power of twerk is not to be underestimated and tweens, as well as know are dangerous.

Whatever happens, whatever the outcome, we recommend that all sober teens of sound mind and body twerk at some point during the day today.  I mean, do you have a good reason not to?  #YOLO

Congratulations Tweens!

Congratulations on Sort of Figuring Out What Fierce Means!

Today you’re going to meet a gay tween and ask him what fierce means. He’ll roll his eyes and sigh.

“That’s so unfetch,” he’ll respond.

You’ll then call your niece (who works as a public school teacher) and ask her what unfetch means.

“I’m not entirely sure,” she’ll respond.

You’ll call a few more people, including the sheriff, just in case it’s drug lingo, but in the end no one will know what unfetch means.

Later that night you’ll discover that “fierce” means something about fashion, probably, while watching a tee-vee show about drag queens doing their best to do their thing.

Congratulations on Sort of Figuring Out What Fierce Means!

Congratulations Goth Tween!

Today you’re a goth tween and life is really hard. Really, really hard. As a young, middle class white girl the challenges of interacting with other people and learning in school before going home to your house with running water and electricity has got to seem completely overwhelming at times. But things are going to change real soon.

Early today an EMP is going to detonate in the upper-stratosphere, disabling power in your urban center. We don’t want to tell you just which one, because that might help you inform the FBI about what’s gonna go down and we know you’d do it just to be a killjoy. After that EMP detonates and services cease completely it’ll take less than four hours for the entire city to fall into chaos. The surrounding towns and townships will last an additional two hours before a cannibal-dominated insano-state emerges to fill the void.

During this time you’ll learn many lessons about growing up, womanhood, and murder. You’ll also learn about consequences in the ensuing days when the National Guard arrives, restores order, and tries you for multiple counts of petty larceny and accessory to murder. It’ll make everything in your normal life seem so much better that instead of pouting all the time you’ll just shut the fuck up for five minutes and let us finish our fucking burrito supremes.

Congratulations Goth Tween!