Congratulations, You're Going to Space Jail!

It’s quite well documented that aliens pick up and molest strangers all the time. Its an epidemic facing American cities, and it’s no laughing matter. We suggest contacting your local youth minister about the issue as soon as possible, as he will likely know exactly what to do to help (most likely it will involve removing your pants and dropping to your knees).

Its mostly harmless, but sometimes aliens hurt themselves while raping humans. Its bound to happen. An alien will awkwardly thrust his swordlike phallus into your rectum and you’ll turn at just the wrong moment and it will snap like a syringe, its razor tip stuck in your flesh. That only applies to one kind of alien, and one very specific type of mishap which, surprise surprise, will happen to you while you’re being raped under the influence of an alien mind beam. Monday morning

The alien, furious, will demand that you be taken to space-court so that he may receive reparations and, thanks to Space Republicans, space-court will not only indulge him, they’ll find you guilty of injuring an alien’s penis without previous authorization.

Your sentence will be three years in space jail, where rape is strictly forbidden. The court will gasp and you’ll be tased into unconsciousness during the hulabaloo following the announcement.

Once you arrive in space jail you’ll be introduced to your cellmate, who is not a rapist and has some weird blue skin and a nose thing and some other stuff that makes him an alien. The two of you will become fast friends and will agree to one day start a shipping business once you are released from space jail. It’ll be one of the many wonderful bonding experiences you have while incarcerated in space jail.

Congratulations, You’re Going to Space Jail!