Congratulations on Surviving the Jungle!

Today’s prediction is another brief, asinine prediction, like our promise of painful death to our anonymous and, by now, fully aware of his/her/its fate reader who is no doubt enjoying their final week of life and (since they’re alive) agonizing pain.

But unlike yesterday’s prediction today’s prediction is one of hope. One of the promise of a better tomorrow. It’s an amazing accomplishment, one well worth celebrating, and you should be proud you reached this point at all.

Today you’re going to survive reading Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle. This interminable book has been the bane of many a generation of eighth grader, and you’ll be one of the lucky few to get out of it with less a sense of how unfair life is and more a sense of how everyone’s an asshole. You’ll have survived The Jungle and come out stronger for it, unlike Upton Sinclair, who just came out of the book an insufferable dipshit.

Also, you’ll probably have your first sexual experience soon. Keep your eyes peeled for that.

Congratulations on Surviving the Jungle!