Congratulations on Contracting a Gold Rush Era Disease!

College can be a difficult place for many people. The combination of newfound independence, unprecedented access to the opposite sex and a total lack of knowledge of how to take care of yourself can form a heady elixir transforming even the brightest young man into a nattering dipshit with an eagle tattoo and a stupid hat.

Luckily you’re fairly grounded, having spent most of your youth male modeling and reading Proust, so you won’t go the douche bag route due to the sudden and unexpected interest from members of the opposite sex. Instead you’ll be one of those students so woefully prepared for life that they cannot take care of themselves one bit. We all know the type, the students who does laundry so rarely that a rat crawls into his hamper and dies, the roommate who stops brushing his teeth and ends up with a mouth full of wood come second semester.

Nothing that bad will happen to you. You’ll simply acquire an anachronistic disease long since wiped out in civilized society thanks to your total lack of hygene. It could be rickets, cholera or tyhpoid. It might even be dysentery!

We’d tell you more, but we’d hate for you to read this, take care of yourself and avoid catching the disease, effectively making us liars. We do want you to know, however, that doctors will be shocked, amazed, and thrilled that you’ve acquired such an easily treatable and previously annihilated disease, because doctors are boring and get their rocks off on shit like that.

Congratulations on Contracting a Gold Rush Era Disease!