Congratulations on Surviving the Onslaught!

On the first night only one vampire will come. You’ll dispatch him easily by shooting him in the head and destroying his brain, a feat accomplished mostly because you sleep with a loaded gun under your pillow, safety off so there’s a faint hope it might go off and end your miserable existence.

Most people would assume that’s that. Just another failed B & E involving a meth head and a cop with nothing left to lose. But you saw 30 Days of Night. You know better. You’ll head out to your cruiser and take your shotgun and the excessive amount of ammo you decided to bring with you and stockpile it in the your motel bathtub. Then you’ll assemble a small, diverse group of potential survivors using your authority as a police officer and do your best to keep them alive.

Everybody who’s anybody will be there. The mayor, the hottest co-ed in town, the sluttiest co-ed in town and several other people. One of them probably knows about computers, which probably won’t help but could be handy, so you’ll keep him around just in case.

They’ll start to get picked off one by one as they leave your motel room to respond to poorly faked cries for help and smoke cigarettes. That’s how the geology professor will go (altruism doesn’t pay) and how the hottest co-ed will go (smoking doesn’t make you cool). Then the vampires will give you a break for around an hour or so before they assault your room.

You’ll use the shotgun and various household objects to reasonable effect, but body shots won’t do anything and you’ll be low on ammo after less than an hour. Even after you turn away the first attack you’ll have lost a lot of okay people. The mayor and his dog will both be gone, along with the computer guy and the Russian bride.

Only the football coach, the crazy old man and the sluttiest co-ed will be left. But as it turns out the sluttiest co-ed will also be the smartest co-ed (she’s got a scholarship) and she’ll know enough vampire folklore to tell you how to kill every last one of those fuckers.

She’ll hand out some shovels that were just laying around the room for some reason (maybe the mayor really liked digging?) and inform all of you that a combination of blunt trauma and decapitation are your best weapons against the undead.

She’ll be totally right, but the final wave will take its toll. The coach and the crazy old man will both die while shouting crazy shit, and you and the co-ed will survive. The two of you will have victory sex and then sleep in a little bit. But it won’t be long before the booze pangs take over and you leave the comfort of her embrace to find some more liquor and take the fight to the vampires, wherever they are within the city limits of Tillotson Mill.

Congratulations on Surviving the Onslaught!