Congratulations on Getting In Her Pants!

“Rebecca!” you’ll cry across the football pitch. She’ll shuffle from side to side in her bear suit as if she doesn’t hear you but you won’t be fooled. You’ll push through the crowd of dozens watching semi-professional soccer towards what you understand is called a “pitch.” When you get to the end of the bleachers she won’t be able to pretend anymore.

Her antics will cease and the bear’s head will be trained on you, impassive, immeasurable. You’ll wish you were inside that bear head, scent of sweat and whiskey stinging your nose, just so you could know her expression. You’ll also kind of like the idea of having your face uncomfortably close to hers inside the costume. You’re not sure how big the costume is, but your loose grasp of physics has instilled in you a belief that love can make anything spatially possible.

“I love you!” you’ll shout down at her, just blurting out whatever’s on your mind as usual. She’ll remove the costume’s head and smile up at you, tears welling in her eyes. You’ve seen enough movies to know what to do at this point.

When you drop down and start running across the field the soccer fans will start cheering wildly. Not because they want to see a white dude in his late 20s “win” the girl he’s been wooing over, but because they think they’re going to see you get decked by police. But this is American semi-pro soccer, and there’s none of that here.

Instead the players will stop playing briefly and watch as the much more interesting spectacle of your romance unfolds. They’ll watch as you clear the field with more vitesse than any of them have mustered throughout the game.

As they watch you take her massive cartoon bear hands in your own they’ll wonder if the passion you bring to your romance is something they could apply to sport. As you lean in to kiss her they’ll cheer as loud as the crowd did when they thought you were going to get brutalized. They’ll have seen a heartfelt and remarkable performance.

Underneath their cheers you’ll lean your head in close to hers.

“I’m so sorry I erased Top Model from the Tivo. It’ll never happen again.”

You’ll look up into her beaming face as she sweeps you off your feet and takes you back to the women’s locker room where you’ll be disabused of many notions you had about both women’s locker rooms and sex therein.

Congratulations on Getting In Her Pants!