Congratulations on the Rousing Success of Your DJ Night!

When the people come to the club, they'll want to get crunk.  Getting crunk is what people like to do at clubs in general.  If you're a person at a club, you want to get crunk.  But crunk people are miserable sacks of shit, halfway to hangover already.  Crunk people live to give themselves reasons to regret shit.  You don't want that.  You're a humanitarian first and a DJ second.  No, really.  Your day job involves working with various human rights organizations, you spend three nights a week volunteering at a shelter for battered women, and you DJ maybe once every two weeks, at best.  You measure the success of your DJ nights in how readily you're able to keep people from spending too much time and money getting shitwrecked in clubs.

By that metric, tonight is going to be the single most successful night of your DJing career.

After weeks of testing, you'll have uncovered the fact that people, in general, dislike hearing noise metal in nightclubs.  They really like distortion rock and garbagecore punk, too.  If you play a mix consisting of various difficult to listen to, hyperintellectual, hyperaggressive, hyperproduced music and a handful of hip hop songs with quirky, nerdy lyrics, you can get a crowd to spend no more than a handful of minutes in the bar.  They well, to your credit, buy drinks, just to see if the music gets better, but before they have a chance to get more than three cups deep, their ears will all but start bleeding and they'll have to run out, more often than not with their dates.

Outside, they won't be your problem.  You'll assume they talk and then go home and get busy, because a lot of the same people keep coming to your DJ nights, and management will tell you that the bouncers really appreciate you keeping "the sort of date raping motherfuckers they usually have to keep an eye out for" out of the club in general.  All that matters to you is that you're keeping "da club" from being "da club," that crunkness, city-wide, is down 15% and that violence against women has dropped a staggering 20% in just a handful of days.

That'll make you feel good when you sit in your cubicle and figure out the logistics of a war crime tribunal against a brutal north African dictator tomorrow morning with your head still throbbing from the sound of your own terrible musical choices.

Congratulations on the Rousing Success of Your DJ Night!