Pre-school kids are dumb, except for the precocious ones
that don’t really understand that the world doesn’t give a fuck about them and
that they might as well just give up and be kids for a while. That means you can do some crazy shit and, as
long as it’s adequately crazy, those kids will never tell a single adult soul
about what you’ve done. Rather, they’ll
never tell an adult soul about what you’ve done and be believed by said adult.
You’ve effectively created a pre-school classroom that, to
an external observer, looks totally normal but, within its walls, contains a
psychosexual world where reality itself begins to distort in a way that makes
it all but impossible for the children whose minds you touch to determine just
what’s going on and develop a normalized comprehension of the world around
them. Each and every day those kids sit
down and are presented with a series of clips from films by Darren Aronofsky. Then they’re made to sit and listen to the
sounds that bats make while they try to sleep.
They get a brief break from bat sounds to do some basic math
and then try to tie their shoes before lunch.
After lunch, they’re forced to fight each other with foam weapons. The winner of the foam weapon battles is
forced to sit in a box alone.
It’s all very high concept, and the children usually finish
out their day with an hour long cry session to get all their woes out into the
world. But the ones who make it through
actually tend to do slightly better than average in junior high school and high
school. College acceptance rates from
your classroom are up as a result, so the school board turns a blind eye to
what one member of an oversight committee referred to as “a nightmarish
hellscape our children are forced to inhabit for eight hours a day.”
But all that’s over today, when your school lets out and you
begin your summer vacation. Try not to
get some terrible disease while visiting Mexico, you weird motherfucker you!
Congratulations Morbid Pre-School Teacher!
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