Congratulations Mom Who is Shitty at Cooking!

Today you’re going to try and make mac and cheese using nothing but baking soda and spaghetti.

Your husband will take a bite without knowing what it is and vomit uncontrollably.

“Honey,” he’ll say, holding your hand.  “I think maybe you should let me cook.”

You’ll respond by hitting him in the face with an iron and shouting “HOUSEWIFE!” over and over again while you chase him around the house.  After you’ve calmed down and taken him to the hospital the two of you will have a good laugh while you discuss how interesting the gender paradigms of your house are.

Your children, in the mean time, will have retreated to the backyard, where they’ll cook squirrels they’ve caught themselves over an open fire pit they dug a few months ago, after you lost your job and started trying to play mom.  They’ll quietly discuss their plans to escape you and your husband, discussing a quest for Mexico, where you told them their housekeeper Rosa returned to.

“Rosa will take us in if we work for her,” your oldest daughter will announce to her siblings.

“It’s the best plan,” the middle son will agree.

“Uhm,” the youngest daughter will gurgle.

You, terrible parents you are, will be at the emergency room by the time this discussion occurs, fucking your husband behind an ER privacy curtain, trying to keep him from screaming every time you rest your hand on his bloody face.

Congratulations Mom Who is Shitty at Cooking!