An American Flag Doo-Rag is one hell of a statement. If you’re a Hell’s Angel, it says that you’re a Hells Angel and you really like America. Also that you’re super violent and probably an alcoholic. If you’re not a Hell’s Angel the meaning changes slightly.
If you’re Caucasian it means you’re overweight and impotent. If you’re African-American it means you’re a weight lifter and do martial arts. We’re not sure what it means if you’re Asian. We’re pretty sure most Asian people don’t wear Doo-Rags. Indian guys with American flag Doo-Rags just really dig the United States, and don’t have awesome communication skills.
If any of the above applied to you you’d be totally justified in wearing your American Flag Doo-Rag. But you manage tech support for a middle school in central Indiana. You have no business wearing an American Flag Doo-Rag. You’re terrible at martial arts, and less than an eighth Black to boot. And your dick works just fine. Also, you work out.
That’s why, after reading this post on Tuesday morning you’re going to ceremoniously remove your American Flag Doo-Rag from your head, fold it into a tiny triangle and bury it in your back yard. Anyone who sees you doing so will be treated to one of the most hilarious sights Middle America has offered the rest of the world in years.
We’d love to think you could laugh at yourself, but you wear a piece of clothing with an American flag on it and don’t have any idea who Abby Hoffman is. You honestly thought you were making a patriotic gesture instead of committing what the Founding Fathers™ would’ve considered one of the most egregious acts of disrespect towards your motherland imaginable.
What we’re saying is you’re bad at learning, and that burying the Doo-Rag was a good first step but that you’ll have to keep pressing onward if you ever want to move out of your mom’s house and lose your virginity.
Congratulations on Removing Your Doo-Rag!
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