Congratulations on Losing Your Shit!

You, like many residents of Utah, have some wack-ass religious beliefs. But unlike most residents of Utah, yours don’t have a god damn thing to do with the prophet Joseph Smith. No, you adhere to a strict lifestyle demanding that you keep all of your waste close by so that you can one day be buried with it.

Did you ever see that one episode of the short-lived Tenacious D show that was on HBO for almost two whole hours? It’s a lot like that, but with fewer hot chicks and some really terrible odors.

But it does help you make some pretty incredible produce. Turns out human waste can be terrific fertilizer, and the relatively unsanitary lifestyle that your cult promotes means plenty of your faith-mates die prematurely and end up in your garden with all their poo scattered around them. The local markets love you, since your process is technically “organic” and your crops turn out huge. Since there’s almost no cost for transport and your beliefs also dictate living in abject poverty that means big savings for pretentious hippy twats who want to buy local.

But guess who doesn’t care for your particular brand of self-righteous bullshit? That’s right, Big Farm™. Those fuckers have kept you from being recognized as a legitimate religion for decades and when their upcoming campaign to torpedo your ability to sell your crops fails they’re going to resort to some good old fashioned low tech sabotage.

They’ll start by throwing rocks at the windowless sheds that you and your cult-mates live in. Since your beliefs demand that you wear ear plugs and blinders while indoors this won’t have much effect on you. Sure, you’ll notice the dents come daybreak, but you’re a cultist who lives in a tin shed. What do you care?

A week later, after their rock hurling endeavor fails to bear fruit, they’ll start blaring rock and roll from hidden speakers nearby. Again, the blinders and earplugs will help counteract their efforts, but the real saving grace will be your cult’s almost universal love of the greatest hits of the 70s and 80s. With the exception of a few suicides you’ll easily outlast those farmers, dancing to Foreigner in the open fields.

When that doesn’t pan out they’ll sneak into your compound late at night and steal the many, many, many jars of fecal matter that decorate your cult headquarters. They won’t get everything, but they’ll get a lot. Enough that you’ll have to seriously reconsider being a member of a faith which now dictates that you can no longer ascend to a higher plane of existence.

We’ll leave you with your thoughts and these pamphlets on Scientology, just to remind you that you could do a lot worse.

Congratulations on Losing Your Shit!