Congratulations Community College Student!

You attend Suffolk Community College, located in delightful Selden, Long Island. It’s a delightful place, where you can find literally anything given enough time and money. In fact, if it wasn’t for your enrollment at Suffolk Community it’s fair to say that your dad wouldn’t have that new kidney and that your mom wouldn’t have that Asian houseboy.

But of late you’ve been having trouble. Your job at King Kullen has been distracting you, your girlfriend has been pressuring you into pursuing professional growth and your mom has been dying of cancer. But Suffolk Community takes care of its own.

Tomorrow you’re going to enter your academic advisor’s “office,” the back of a custom van detailed with a unicorn fighting a Cylon from the original Battlestar Gallactica. When you open the door a cloud of pot smoke will spill forth and momentarily disorient you. It’ll take your professor’s kindly call of “Come on in, dude,” to bring you back to your senses and into his home-office.

He’ll be sitting on a pile of pillows with a hookah and a woman who apparently hasn’t changed her clothes since 1971 and has aged fantastically for the effort. He’ll be in one of his best suits with copies of Foucalt and Sartre splayed face down in front of him.

“What’s got you down, broseph?” he’ll ask in his genial way.

“Professor Chuggsworth,” you’ll begin, hands clasped before you, “I’ve been having some trouble lately. Everyone around me wants me to try and make my life into something more. Also, my mom is dying.”

He’ll listen carefully and sit perfectly still in his at-one-time-six-hundred-dollar suit for a full five minutes before he nods in response.

“I think I got you, man.” He’ll put on a pair of aviator glasses and stumble out of the van with his hippy-chick of indeterminate relationship on his arm. Even through the glasses the light will cause him physical pain. “Harsh,” he’ll mutter as he points towards the bad part of campus and the two of you begin your journey.

After a short trip you’ll meet some Puerto Rican students of his who, in exchange for some tutoring, will knee cap your boss to make sure he gives you a good recommendation, get you a job in a corrupt temp agency with an excellent record of placing people in perm positions over time and find some seemingly magical drugs for your mom which purportedly come from the Amazon basin.

And it’s all because you spend several hours a week at one of the most magical places on earth, where different ages, cultures and creeds can come together for the sake of education and free text books.

Congratulations Community College Student!