Congratulations on Outdrinking Congress!

Most people don’t understand the complex system of rules which govern American legislature, and rightly so. They were created to actively defy comprehension, so as to make it easier to filibuster and vote in pay raises for sitting senators. There’s a whole section of their by-laws about orgasm order in state-sponsored circle jerks. It’s impenetrable.

Here’s a pop quiz. How is the president pro-tempore selected? Most of the people reading this have no idea, and the people who do have an idea of how it’s done are fucking lying to themselves. They probably think that the president pro-tempore resides over a fucking Latin club.

Which is why it’s no surprise that you, the junior senator from New Hampshire, are going to find yourself in an awkward position come Friday. You’ll be under close scrutiny for some less than moral campaign donations and a few things you did to young boys during the Vietnam conflict. The Senate has had to work long and hard to cut through the legal jungle blocking you from impeachment proceedings, but they’ll be nearing their fifteen year goal of expelling you from the Senate tonight and there’s only one way to stop it.

You’ll have to beat the entirety of the House of Representatives in a drinking contest.

It’s a little known loophole, one of those bits in the “fine print” of the Constitution, near the part that dismisses the Bill of Rights and states that you can marry a table if you write a convincing enough letter. It’s never been effectively used before, but there’s never been a Senator like you to give it the old college try and you know that you’re the man who can make a blue law into a precedent.

You’ll begin by opening the motion to the floor. After a brief filibuster the motion will carry and a quorum of the House will be assembled so that proceedings may begin. During this waiting period a motion will be introduced to consider the formation of a committee to determine available snacks during upcoming proceedings. After three hours of debate senior Senator Kerry will be chosen to chair the committee, suggesting Baja cuisine to a small bipartisan commission. The commission will vote six to three in favor of Baja cuisine and McCormick and Schmidt's will be contacted.

The quorum will arrive around the same time as the fish and the contest will begin.

The rules are simple enough. Each time you take a shot every member of Congress must take one with you. The contest ends when the House of Representatives passes out or the Senator in question falls unconscious. Proceedings may be interrupted at any time by filibuster, but filibuster may in turn be interrupted with a cry of “drink,” necessitating that all parties conscious drink. EMTs will be standing by.

You’ll shout drink to the floor and you’ll be out of the gates. Seven hours later an elderly statesman from Georgia will topple out of his chair and you’ll be declared the victor. Your reward will be a novelty hat with moose antlers and total immunity from prosecution while wearing said hat. So even though you’re going to look pretty silly over the next term you’re going to be totally safe. Well played, Senator!

Congratulations on Outdrinking Congress!