Congratulations on Your Nearly Tasteful Comments!

This is a rare congratulations directed at network news. It’s kind of a cop out, sure, since it’s addressed to an event which already occurred, but it warrants writing.

Network news: good job generating a nearly tasteful response to Barack Obama’s speech on the horrific shootings in Arizona. For almost ninety seconds apiece each of you avoided saying anything stupid, which is completely unheard of. Then you started in again, sure. But for a brief moment you remembered that we’re a nation filled with real live human beings and sometimes they don’t need to hear you nitpick how all those human beings are slightly different from you.

Sure, your coverage beforehand was tasteless and rendered in such a fashion as to make the event seem incoherent to normal, thinking people. And you’ve spent more time discussing faux pas people made that relate somewhat to it than you have actually discussing current events since then. But for almost two minutes you stood up and had a human response to a speech someone made far away about some horrible actions that someone very troubled carried out against some totally blameless people. Then you went back to entering into a level of discourse inappropriate for any group of adults. So kudos to you for that brief leave from your normal duties.

As for your prediction: be wary of raccoons tonight. They may or may not carry AIDS.

Feel free to broadcast that one.

Congratulations on Your Nearly Tasteful Comments!

Congratulations on Riding That Tiger!

Big cats ride horses and ponies all the time. Big fucking deal! They’ve got claws and huge brains and great balance. Fuck off, big cats!

What’s really impressive is shit riding on big cats that already ride on other shit. Like, let’s say a tiger is riding on a rhino in some rich dude’s zoo somewhere in Southeast Asia. You know what’d be even cooler? If a raccoon was riding on top of that tiger!

And even better, what if that raccoon was you? Sure, you’re just a small town raccoon from just outside Bemidji, but what if? What if today was your day?

Well turns out it will be. Turns out today you’re finally going to get the courage to climb on top of that tiger’s head and sit there on your hind legs in the most adorable pose imaginable while the rhino trots around, kind of angry about the whole thing. And someone’s going to take a picture and post it to their Facebook before they’re executed for taking a photo in the Forbidden Zoo. And then it’ll be in the aether of the webs and it’ll only be a matter of time before you become famous.

Internet famous.

Congratulations on Riding That Tiger!

Congratulations on Finding the Raccoon!

Sure, it was just one night of passion, but you were right to track her down. She’ll be in the abandoned refrigerator.

“Francine!” you’ll cry when you find her. She’ll respond by cocking her head back at you as you run towards her.

As you near her crouching form, arms outstretched, her hackles will rise and she’ll leap at your face. You’ll fall to the ground, clutching her to you in the moonlight, trying to avoid being mauled too badly by her fangs and claws.

As the clock rolls over you’ll feel her baser instincts caving as she recognizes you, but it won’t be taking hold fast enough as the two of you struggle for dominance, your arousal growing quickly.

Congratulations on Finding the Raccoon!