Congratulations on Exposing Yourself to Your Niece!

When she asks you you won’t hesitate. You’ll sit right up on the kitchen counter and flip up your skirt, exposing your bare vagina. Underwear, you’ve always said, is for sissies. You’ll be groomed, but not bare, because you always expect that you’ll have to do something like this and you don’t want to scar young women, but you also don’t want to teach them that they shouldn’t care about their bodies in general.

You’ll point to your vagina, which will be pretty clean and clear to external observation.

“This is a vagina, or pussy. Sometimes, it bleeds,” you’ll explain.

She’ll be horrified. “What? What the fuck? Why?”

“Well, your uterus will occasionally shed its lining in order to rid itself of an unfertilized egg as part of your monthly cycle. It’s part of the system of human reproduction, and it essentially makes your body into a nightmarish hellscape for a week every month.”

“That sounds terrible!” she’ll exclaim, putting her face uncomfortably close to your vagina.

“It’s nothing compared to the emotional torture that the surges and variance in hormones exposes you to. Expect to become a total wreck for at least three of those days while your brain tries to destroy itself. You’ll simultaneously crave sex and be revolted by it. And the fact that you’re bleeding the whole time doesn’t really help.”

“Is there anything I can do to stop it?” she’ll ask, her eyes pleading with you. You’ll shake your head sorrowfully and she’ll look down, away from your vagina, tears welling in her eyes.

At this point, you’ll decide it’s time to remove your tampon from your vagina. You’ll reach up in there and grab the string and then slam it down on the table, sending drops of blood flying. One will catch her on the nose, turning her sorrow to horror anew.

“What-“ she’ll begin, but you’ll intercede with a shout rising to catastrophony.

“This is a tampon. It’s a wad of cotton you ram into your pussy to keep the blood from pouring out and ruining your underwear.”

“Oh god!”

“Yeah. I’m going to go get another one. Then we’ll go out and buy some more.” With that you’ll hop down from the counter and stride into the bathroom to get a replacement tampon. When you return to the kitchen your niece will be holding the tampon and staring at it with fascination. She’ll look up as you re-enter the room with an enchanted look on her face.

“Thanks for explaining all this to me,” she’ll murmur. “I know you’re off the clock, but I really appreciate it.”

You’ll shrug. “A sex-ed instructor’s work is never done.” Then you’ll take the tampon from her hand, toss it into the trash and take your niece by the hand, leading her to the car, where you’ll drive her to Walgreens (literally) and womanhood (symbolically).

Congratulations on Exposing Yourself to Your Niece!

Congratulations on Filling a Submarine With Fetid Woman Blood!

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. You’re a lady on a top secret test submarine which is showing the potential ill effects of having women live on submarines long term with the rest of the crew. The results will be interesting.

After a series of steamingly hot sexual episodes with eighty six percent of the crew you’ll get your period and turn into a raving bitch. You’ll go from being the coolest, most laid back crewmember to being an absolute nightmare to share a bulkhead with even briefly. You’ll be so intolerable that the crew will vote that you be temporary sealed inside of a secluded torpedo chamber where your irrational aggression can be put to use fighting Soviets held out at the bottom of the ocean where law abiding Americans don’t see them.

While there you’ll load torpedoes with great aplomb, and also very nearly flood your personal chamber with menstrual blood. Navy brass will look at your incredible effectiveness and efficiency under duress and the general boost to morale that occurred during your service and decide that they need to come up with some sort of advanced drainage system to accommodate your gushing, foaming lady bits. You’ll be like a white female Jackie Robinson with exclusive regard towards submarines.

Congratulations on Filling a Submarine With Fetid Woman Blood!