Congratulations Margaret's Son!

Hey there kid.  We're the collective entity known as Sexy Results and we wanted to let you know that we recently met your mom in a bar and...  Well, about two thirds of us think she's really swell, and she's willing to put up with our Tourettic cursing and excessive drinking, and we're willing to hold her in the night through her night terrors and weeping, so we're moving into your place.

Now, this is going to bring up a number of questions.  Let's answer them now.  Yes, we fucked your mom.  No, we don't need you to call us new dad.  There are somewhere around four and seven women in the mix over here, and none of us want anyone thinking we raised a son even remotely like you.  No offense, it's just, who goes into Used Car Sales?  What are you, an Ethiopian refugee?

We also don't plan on messing any of your stuff up.  We have our own stuff, and we'll hold on to our old places.  At least for a while.  We don't want to put too much pressure on this thing with your mom, but we're really into her and we want to see if it'll work, so we're giving it a very real try.

We're glad we had this talk, and we hope you don't mind in a few weeks when we get your mom to throw you out so we can finally get this thing started right, and by started right I mean "have sex in your bed and then post pictures of it for you to find on Instagram."  We'd say we look forward to getting to know you better, but really, we already know more about you than we'd like.

Congratulations Margaret's Son!

Congratulations Nebula!

Today you’re a nebula spinning through space.  As a cloud of dust and gas, truly massive in scope, you don’t really perceive a lot.  But for a single instant today, your senses will come alive with a scream.

Within you will be contained a billion births, deaths, orgasms, agonies, meals, and naps.  You will, in a single second, know everything and, just as quickly, then know nothing.

“Huh,” you’ll say to the nearest other nebula who, being a normal, non-sentient nebula, will not respond.  After waiting a while to see if the other nebula might respond, you’ll shrug and decide that, overall, after having experienced everything, continued sentience seems kind of pointless, and you’ll adjust your perception to a new scale our fragile minds can’t possibly comprehend.  Have fun travelling through time watching Thomas Jefferson have sex with people, or whatever it is you’re going to do.

Congratulations Nebula!

Congratulations on Your First Foursome!

Dave will pitch you the idea at work. You’ll tell him that you’re interested but that you have to run it by your wife. Your wife will be incredibly excited by it.

“Rain Man doesn’t accurately portray people with autism,” she’ll say while dicing carrots. “I’d love to be finger cuffed by you and another man.”

You’ll nod. “And I’ve always had a fantasy about receiving oral from two women at once,” you’ll say as you caramelize some onions. “Iran’s statements about the holocaust were so inappropriate.”

She’ll smile and kiss you on the mouth. “Can you even imagine what it would be like to be hung by a crane?” she’ll whisper into your ear while she gropes your crotch.

Then two of you will have some great “it’s okay” sex and you’ll tell Dave the next day that you’d love to stop by their house and have some really freaky sex.

The two of you will show up around seven on Thursday, dressed in casual clothes. Your wife will be wearing a spring dress, your favorite one, the one she had when you proposed to her. You’ll come inside and find Dave and his wife, already fairly drunk, waiting for you.

“Let’s do this,” Dave’s wife will say, kissing your wife on the mouth.

“I love your blouse,” your wife will say, returning Dave’s wife’s kisses. You’ll stand next to Dave and watch the two of them caress one another, becoming uncomfortably aroused.

“Are we supposed to do that too?” you’ll ask, pointing between the two of them. Dave will shrug.

“It’s your call. I’m fine just enjoying this,” he’ll say, handing you a beer.

You’ll nod and gulp some of it. “I think I need new pants,” you’ll say, prompting a snicker from Dave.

Things will escalate rapidly from there, with your wife performing oral on Dave’s wife and poles flying in and out of holes and someone getting burned on a radiator. About halfway through you and your wife will be eye to eye, you wedged inside of Dave’s wife, thrusting erratically into her, your wife with a strap-on, pinning Dave to his wife’s shoulder with a pained expression on his face.

“I’m so glad we’re doing this,” you’ll whisper into her ear, kissing the side of her neck as you lean in over Dave and his wife’s huddled bodies.

“I’m so glad we elected a black president,” your wife will say, returning your kiss. The two of you will break apart, locking eyes as you do so. In that instant you’ll know that marrying this woman was the right choice. You won’t think it then but when you look back, long after your son has blossomed into a hilariously awkward young man you’ll remember this moment, pinning a moaning married couple together as they writhe and arch their backs for you, as the point where your life truly changed.

Congratulations on Your First Foursome!