Congratulations Pork Cookie Manufacturer!

For years you’ve been telling people that Jews have been conspiring to keep you from producing your product of choice: pork cookies.

“I didn’t know that was a real product,” the clerk filing your suit against “Jews” will tell you.

“EXACTLY!” you’ll scream at her, spittle flying from your lips to land on her face.  “BECAUSE OF JEWS!”

She’ll wipe herself clean and shrug, then go back to filing your lawsuit.

Two weeks later the case will be thrown out of court after it is noted that it is both racist and establishes too broad a standing for an effective class action lawsuit.

“You cannot expect every Jew to pay you money,” the judge will explain.  “Only an insane person would think that’s an actual possibility of an effective means of restitution for any kind of wrongdoing.”

“FUCKING JEW TOY!” you’ll scream at him, hurling your shoe at his face.  That little stunt will land you with a two weeks for contempt wrist slap charge.  Unfortunately, during that time you’ll be brutally sodomized to death by a group of burly Jewish men whose bodies are adorned with Stars of David.  So even though you’ll die as horribly as you possible could expect to, you’ll die as the victim of an actual Jewish conspiracy.  So that’s kind of good for you, we guess.

Congratulations Pork Cookie Manufacturer!

Congratulations on Being Struck By a Falling Tree!

You’re one of those skateboarding teens we hear so much about through Dateline. You’re kind of a douchebag, you’re virtually unemployable and, unlike the talented countercultural skaters of yore you don’t really do anything interesting or noteworthy, you just skateboard in the same way that people skateboarded before you.

You do, however, make sure that you do it in public places where you interfere with the lives of as many people as possible. Most of them try their hardest to ignore you, even though you’re a skateboarding girl and, according to the rules of the late 1980s and early to mid 1990s we’re supposed to find you very attractive and go out of our way to make sure your life is more or less honky dory. So people generally genially smile at you and wave and have sex with you and put up with all your myriad bullshit while you nosegrab to 750 flipkicks or whatever the shit it is you do and profoundly piss our reptile brains (which aren’t fooled by your wooden plank) into next week.

It’s all frustrating and really annoying and today it is finally going to stop. It’s going to stop when a municipal employee who is removing a tree asks you to please stop skateboarding in his work area. He’ll politely tell you that there are some great rails on the other end of the park, far from chainsaws, smiling at you while you scowl at him. You’ll proceed to ignore him and, since he has a job to do, he’ll just do his best to cut down the tree and not murder you in the process.

But your remarkable propensity for retardation will finally catch up with you today when a branch comes loose from the toppling tree and knocks you off your piece of wood. You’ll go tumbling to the ground with a sickening crunch and find yourself completely unable to move. You’ll also be puzzled at the physical pain assaulting you and be somewhat amazed that you finally have a reason to scowl.

Since you’re a good American who conforms to a set of social standards you’ll completely ignore the fact that you were at fault in your accident and do your all to get the municipal worker fired. The best you’ll be able to manage will be an embarrassingly large settlement from the city and a verbal apology from the worker, who really does feel terrible about you being struck by a tree even if you were being a little bitch at the time.

So you’ll keep on not working and we’ll finally stop having to deal with you skateboarding around like it’s 1994 and you think you’re cool. It’s really a win-win today.

Congratulations on Being Struck By a Falling Tree!