Congratulations on Blinking Her Out of Existence!

"You can't win fights this way," she'll moan, but you won't pay her no heed.  You'll be too busy blinkin' away, making her face into a blurry set o lines that will fade and fade and fade until, after about twenty minutes of intense blinking, everything fades.

"I DID IT!" you'll shout at the rafters.  "THAT BITCH IS GONE!"

You'll look around, eyes open now, but nothing will appear.

"No I'm not," her voice will sound from off to your left somewhere.

"Oh," you'll murmur.  "Damn."

"You're an idiot," she'll retort before slamming the door, leaving Animal Planet's grating narration on the television as punishment.

You won't be able to find the remote to turn it off.  The next few hours will be hell, until you figure out how to leave the room.

Congratulations on Blinking Her Out of Existence!

Congratulations on Getting Out of the Wedding!

There are three ways to traditionally get out of a wedding at the last minute: reveal you’re gay, reveal you’re Jewish or have a jilted ex-lover stand during the ceremony and loudly declare that they love you and then run off with said jilted ex-lover until shit goes belly up a few months later when they remember why they left you.

Well you’re an original, and today you’re going to prove that by coming up with a whole new way to fuck up your life and the life of someone you claimed to love. During the ceremony, after the priest says the whole “or forever hold their peace” bit a bunch of Yakuza in suits are going to burst out of the audience firing wildly at you. You’ll push your bride to the ground and shoot a gun at them, sideways so it looks extra cool. Then you’ll run out of the room shouting “I have to flee or they’ll kill us both” back at her.

Later at a remote warehouse you’ll meet up with your Yakuza buddies (actually your alma mater’s current economics club) and pay them off with beer and vodka, but in the mean time you’ll be gloriously free and your ex-wife to be will forever see you as a glorified hero rather than a guy who came too soon way too often.

Congratulations on Getting Out of the Wedding!