Congratulations Coffee Grinding Expert!

"One espresso, please."

You'll nod at her before cramming the beans in your mouth and grinding your teeth.  Hard.

It'll take about fifteen minutes.  It'll hurt, a lot.  She'll look at you like she's disgusted.  But when you spit those finely ground beans into one of those tamper things and filter boiling water through the liquid and pass it to her in a tiny little cup she'll take just one sip and her whole face will light up.

"This is the best coffee I've ever tasted," she'll say to you in a startled whisper.

You'll know, from the look on her face and the tone of her voice, that you could have her, right then and there, on the coffee shop's counter, if you wanted her.  You're that good at making coffee using the tools that god gave you.  You'll know that, if you took her, she'd follow you for years, watching your go through this disgusting ritual with hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands more customers until finally jealousy eroded her wonder at your ability to process coffee.  You'll know that, at some point, she'll leave you, revolted at what she once loved in you, your ability to be everything to the multitude of people who happen to walk into the store you work in.

And, knowing this, you'll still find it hard to simply nod at her, turn to face the next person in line and say "What can I get you?"

But you'll know it's the right thing, you'll know that it's your duty, and there will be some slight solace in this knowledge.

Congratulations Coffee Grinding Expert!

Congratulations! This Sandwich is Amazing!

We were going to write a congratulations about world peace, about it coming to the earth in the form of a massive, collective orgasm and providing every single person on the planet with a moment of wondrous clarity that would’ve given them the insight they needed to solve their petty troubles and get their lives back on track.

But instead of that happening all of that magic orgasm energy that was going to disseminate to the human race and certain species of monkeys through cosmic rays is going to go into sandwich. A sandwich you’re going to make.

We cannot go into the composition of this sandwich, nor can we detail the time or place of its creation. It could happen at your job as a barrista, where you normally make subpar sandwiches for men who order them in the hope that you’ll graze their hand while handing them the plate. Or it could happen at home, where you make pretty good sandwiches for yourself and your unemployed “painter” boyfriend. It might even happen on the street at an underground sandwich making contest, which is a real thing that we didn’t just make up.

It doesn’t really matter. You’re going to make a sandwich so good that when you bite into it everyone in our office will feel the ripple of its flavor pass through time and space. So while the space orgasm isn’t going to happen we’re all going to go kinda batshit for a while and feel really good about ourselves for a change.

In the end it won’t make any of us better people. It won’t provide us with any great insight to the world or give us any special powers. But it will provide us with a treasured memory of the best damn sandwich ever made by human hand. And it’ll prove to the world that you can accomplish anything at all, which is honestly something we’ve all doubted for a while now.

Congratulations! This Sandwich is Amazing!