Congratulations on Spending Some Time With Your Personal Trainer!

Today at work you’ll feel like a real slob. Some fat bitch in a sweater cape will holler at you “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays!” and you’ll hold yourself back from hitting her, but the desire to hit her, the burning aggression, will still be there. So when you get out of work you’ll skip your normal “drink into oblivion” routine and head to the gym

Once you get there you’ll sit down with your personal trainer, a pretty young woman with a blonde ponytail named Shelly who you’re almost positive doesn’t wear underwear. She’ll do a session with you, which will be awesome, but you’ll occasionally hurl weights at her at scream for almost the entire time so even though she only has a GED she’ll catch on that something’s wrong.

“What’s wrong?” she’ll ask at the end of the session. “You seemed tense.”

“My life is a constant series of horrible annoyances, and I desperately need to move on or I’ll die here,” you’ll tell her, holding her shoulders and looking into her eyes in a way that makes her super uncomfortable. But this happens a lot, and she’ll be used to this by now. She’ll pat you on the shoulder, nod, and hand you a note.

It will read: meet me in my miyata.

All lowercase, just like that.

You’ll shrug and head out to the parking lot, where Shelly will be sitting in her Miyata, twiddling her thumbs. She’ll wave you in and then hold out her hand.

“Five hundred dollars, just the downstairs,” she’ll say, looking around to make sure no gym members who haven’t previously paid her are watching.

You’ll nod and open your wallet to withdraw the precise sum of cash she asked for. Then Shelly will strip off her tights and, sadly, her underwear, and hop on your already erect penis, bouncing up and down mechanically.

“This is erotic but kind of unpleasant,” you’ll announce, but Shelly won’t hear you, because Shelly will be super into it. See, Shelly was considered attractive in high school, so this is what Shelly thinks sex is supposed to be like.

When the whole thing is over Shelly will kick you out of her Miyata, pants around your ankles, and drive around the block. You’ll be getting into your car when she comes back. She’ll wave at you like nothing’s happened, and you’ll feel kind of sorry for her, which will be weird because you just paid her for sex.

Congratulations on Spending Some Time With Your Personal Trainer!

Congratulations on Running Away from Andrew W.K.!

Today, following the two month anniversary of your graduation from college, you’re going to finally up and run away from your comfortable home in the well appointed Oklahoma ranch of music legend Andrew W.K.. You’ve lived there ever since he kidnapped you in an attempt to improve your relationship with your dad, decades earlier. He decided to keep you after briefly meeting your father and the two of you never looked back.

But times must change, and today you’ll leave his home with nothing but his cell phone number, all your shit, a 2006 Mazda Miyata, twenty thousand dollars in a Wells Fargo account and the clothes on your back. He’ll wave as you go, trying not to cry. You’ll try to do the same as you hold up your hand and say to him, in a whisper, goodbye Andrew W.K..

Congratulations on Running Away from Andrew W.K.!