Congratulations Muskrat Fucker!

Muskrats are a serious pest anywhere that people live alongside water.  They’re big, they’re mean, and they shit everywhere.  If there’s a muskrat population in a town, it’s gotta be controlled.

Shooting, trapping, poisoning, baiting.  They’re all valid strategies, but none of them really get rid of muskrats.  Muskrats, you see, don’t fear death, so even if you just wipe a bunch of them out they’ll keep coming back until they’ve overrun your town, displacing your mayor for a muskrat mayor, displacing your banks for muskrat banks, taking your jobs, instituting muskrat social welfare projects.  Everything you’re afraid of Mexican people doing, muskrats will do double.

So whaddya gonna do?  Sit back and let it happen?  Fuck no!  You’re gonna teach those muskrats a lesson.

Based on a largely unaccredited study your cousin conducted, the best way to get rid of muskrats is to trap them, fuck them, and then let them go back into the wild.  They’ll then tell their muskrat friends that if muskrats come into this town, they’re gonna get fucked up the butt.  Your cousin swears by this method of pest control and, never one to doubt family, you’re going to take him at his word and give it a shot today.

You’ve already set your trap, you’ve already taken your Viagra.  By the time you’re reading this, a muskrat will already be captured.  The hairy little critter will be awaiting transport to a second location, where you’ll grit your teeth and start giving it to the muskrat.

But we’re more interested in the seconds before that happens.  The seconds before you fuck a muskrat, where you’re really considering the implications of your impending actions.  Sure, you’ll tell yourself, muskrats are a big problem.  But is fucking them going to solve anything?  Also, do I want to be the person who is known forevermore as the guy who fucked muskrats right out of town?

These thoughts will give you pause.  They’ll provide you with the ingress for a moment of consideration, and this moment will constitute a nexus point in your life: a moment where the choice you make is both indeterminate at the moment and absolutely critical in determining your future.

In one direction lies a long prosperous life where you become a town selectmen, then a state senator.  From your position as a state senator, you contribute to real change, forever altering the politics of the place you live and vastly improving the lives of your small town’s citizens.

In the other direction, the direction you take, you fuck a muskrat.  We don’t want to spoil anything for you, but here’s a hint: it doesn’t go so well from here on out.

Congratulations Muskrat Fucker!