When you were born your hick parents named you “Bus.” They thought they were being clever, the same
way Kanye thought he was being clever when he named his poor, defenseless
daughter “North.” The Drivermans thought
that calling you “Bus Driverman” would make your life a neverending slurry of
friendships and affable jokes carried out by acquaintances and friends from the
town over. They never thought they’d be
condemning you to a life where people shout at you “You’ll never be more than a
bus driver man!” from their IROCs as they drive by, but that’s probably because
they weren’t terribly bright people to start and, as such, didn’t really
understand what they were doing.
But you decided, somewhere around high school, that you
weren’t going to take this shit from those assholes. So instead of getting all sad and methy like
most outcasts at your high school, you went the other way: you decided to
become the best student you could. You
worked constantly, tirelessly, studying for tests, engaging in charitable
projects, saying no to drugs even though the druggies were the only kids who
were really even moderately nice to you in passing. It was rough.
But it paid off, sort of, because today you’re going to
start on your journey to law school, because today you’re going to be accepted
to Brown.
Sure, it’s not Harvard, and sure, that’ll be the first thing
your parents say to you, but you’ll know, deep down in your heart of hearts,
that that’s just their way. Or at least,
you’ll tell yourself this, that this is simply the means by which they try to
motivate you to escape this horrid life.
The reality, which will dawn on you midway through law school, is that
your parents are royal dickholes.
Congratulations Bus Driverman!
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