Congratulations Amateur Bus Driver!

The normal bus driver ODed last night on some bad meth, but those kids still need someone to get them to and from locations during field trips. They still gotta learn about planets and dinosaurs and woodlands and ecosystems and all that shit. And you’re gonna be the one who makes sure it happens.

Nevermind that you can barely drive stick, or that you cooked the bad batch that killed the driver. You’re a mom and if you don’t take care of the situation all the parents who paid fifteen bucks to get rid of their kids for an extra hour on this beautiful Thursday afternoon are going to have to put away their bongs and beers early and deal with the rotten little shits who have taken over their lives. Ain’t gonna happen, mister.

So today you’re going to saddle up and start driving. You’ll hit a few small animals and kill more dogs than you probably need to, but when you pull up to that first child’s house and see his mother’s face turn from a look of agony to an expression of relief it’ll be worth it. As she pushes her horrified child on to the bus she’ll shout after him.

“Don’t do anything stupid!”

You’ll smile at the young boy, his hair unkept and his teeth chattering in horror, and give him a wink.

“You can be stupid all you like, honey,” you’ll say, tussling his hair and making it worse in the process. “You’re going to school now.”

All the houses will go like that, which is why you’ll be so shocked when, at the end of the day, you’re in a shootout with the cops and that little boy is only one of a handful of survivors from what the newspapers will call “the second worst school bus accident in the last decade.” But you’ll still do a better job than the usual driver.

Congratulations Amateur Bus Driver!