Congratulations on Remembering Where You Put Your Wedding Ring!

You didn’t want to lose it. That’s a fucking nightmare. You get home one night and bitch is all like “Harold. where’s your ring” and you’re all “I think I left it at your sister’s” and then you’re on your ass looking for a new job because your wife sent kiddy porn to everyone at your old job from your email. Then you start sucking dick just so you can have some more paint to huff and you end up working for some bunch of future fags because all that paint gave you the ability to see the future and I lost track of my train of thought somewhere in there.

Anyhow, today you’re going to realize, waist dip in a grave you’re digging down by the old mill, that you have no idea where the fuck your ring is. You’ll check your duffel bag, your car, the floor of the abandoned slaughterhouse where you killed the girl, and there won’t be anything anywhere. You’ll bite your lip and pout, imagining just what this will do to your marriage and, by relation, your career as a senator.

You’ll see for an instant the flash bulbs as those whorish reporters with their loud, raping eyes cry out their headlines, shrill and edged for your ears. “Impotent, hooker murdering senator divorced by implausibly hot wife, full story on page nine. It’ll be enough to make you want to choke the life out of a teen drifter.

But after a few minutes using the breathing exercises that the Dali Llama taught you you’ll think of all the places you could’ve lost it and then you’ll realize how foolish you’ve been. You’ll stop panicking, snap on a rubber glove and bury your hand in that hooker’s still warm corpse, carefully probing so as to avoid cutting yourself on any of her sharp, angular bones.

After almost ten minutes probing her many, many wounds and orifices you’ll pull your hand out and find, in your fingers, your ring, covered in viscera. You’ll laugh with joy as drop it into a ziplock bag for future cleaning and smile as you carefully re-dress the corpse for burial. Just like they say, it’s always in the last place you look.

Congratulations on Remembering Where You Put Your Wedding Ring!