Congratulations on Finding the Penis!

You’ll be at the side of the highway, nose buried in the tall grass beating about with a stick. Your flashlight will be trained on the ground, looking for any sort of flopping or moving, anything that would tell you that something that isn’t supposed to be there is hiding in those bushes.

Greg will cry out to you.

“Found something!” You’ll roll your eyes in relief at the thought of getting him to the hospital so they can reattach it, but your heart will sink as he follows up, “Nope, wait, nevermind. Snake!”

You’ll sigh audibly and get back to pounding the grass, looking for something, anything. A trail of blood, a line of ants, anything that would indicate the presence of a detatched penis.

“Are you sure you really need this?” you’ll shout back at him. “I don’t think they’ll be able to reattach it. It’s been like, five hours.”

“Pretty sure, yeah,” he’ll reply. “I think I saw a movie about it once.”

“About penis reattachment?”

He’ll pause. “Well, I think it mentioned penis reattachment. Please, could we just find my dick?”

You’ll shake your head and take your newfound frustration out on a particularly smug looking patch of reeds near an exit sign, beating it so hard your flashlight goes off target, so when you hear the thwack of your stick hitting something that isn’t reeds you won’t be able to see what it is at first.

Panicking, you’ll sweep the beam back and forth over the ground cover, trying to find some sort of irregularity. On the third pass you’ll see it.

Wincing, you’ll grab the plastic baggie you packed and gingerly wrap your hand in it. Then you’ll carefully grasp Greg’s detached penis and fold the bag over it before placing it in your pocket.

“Greg!” you’ll shout at him. “I found your dick!”

“Sweet!” he’ll shout back, running towards you, his limp barely noticeable now. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

The two of you will be silent for the rest of the walk back to your Camry, spare one sigh from Greg when you hand him a plastic bag holding his severed penis.

Congratulations on Finding the Penis!