There are three ways to traditionally get out of a wedding at the last minute: reveal you’re gay, reveal you’re Jewish or have a jilted ex-lover stand during the ceremony and loudly declare that they love you and then run off with said jilted ex-lover until shit goes belly up a few months later when they remember why they left you.
Well you’re an original, and today you’re going to prove that by coming up with a whole new way to fuck up your life and the life of someone you claimed to love. During the ceremony, after the priest says the whole “or forever hold their peace” bit a bunch of Yakuza in suits are going to burst out of the audience firing wildly at you. You’ll push your bride to the ground and shoot a gun at them, sideways so it looks extra cool. Then you’ll run out of the room shouting “I have to flee or they’ll kill us both” back at her.
Later at a remote warehouse you’ll meet up with your Yakuza buddies (actually your alma mater’s current economics club) and pay them off with beer and vodka, but in the mean time you’ll be gloriously free and your ex-wife to be will forever see you as a glorified hero rather than a guy who came too soon way too often.
Congratulations on Getting Out of the Wedding!
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