Congratulations Frostbite Survivor!

Some people get frostbite on their toes or their fingers, valuable digits crucial in getting off most contemporary sexual partners. Compared to you those people are getting off incredibly, incredibly easy. That’s an amazing double entendre, and you’re about to see why. See, you have a unique fetish – a desire to fuck a woman buried completely inside of a snow drift until you reach simultaneous orgasm.

Somehow, impossibly (you’re a state senator) you’ll have managed to find a willing partner, a partner who is so GGG that she won’t bat an eyelash at risking her health so that you can get your rocks off inside her through a shell of snow during a blizzard (she’ll have severe daddy issues, which will make the whole thing awesome). As you thrust away you’ll be so occupied in your own motion, the powerful feeling of fulfillment as you finally get what you’ve wanted for so long, that you’ll lose track of your partner.

First you’ll lose track of her movements against you, muffled already by the snow. Eventually they’ll seem like part of your own motions, divine in their synchronicity. Then her cries will vanish from your mind, because, due to the aforementioned daddy issues, she’ll be really quiet in bed. It won’t be until you reach your moment of ecstasy and don’t hear her shriek opposition to the fact that you just came inside her that you’ll realize something is very very wrong.

You’ll reach inside of the snowman and pull out her body, bleached white by the cold and fastened firmly to your now frigid penis. Panicking, you’ll tumble back into a snowdrift with a young woman on top of you.

You’ll crawl, dragging the two of you slowly along the ground to your pants, where you’ll dial 9-1-1. An emergency response team will be there in seconds. They’ll leap out of their ambulance, assess the situation and pull you and the young woman whose name you’ll just now be realizing you never learned into the back of their truck with a series of knowing glances.

They’ll rush you to the hospital, and you’ll become unfastened from your now obviously dead partner in the process. But the feeling won’t return to your pinkies or almost all of the shaft of your penis. It’ll make you a little worried, especially since this is election year and sexual deviants who don’t have pinkies don’t traditionally get re-elected to public office year after year.

Eventually you’ll start crashing, and they’ll remove the penis. You’ll learn that it had already died and if it stayed attached it would just become infected and eventually ruin the rest of your body. So while you’ll be discharged from the hospital by a smiling nurse with no idea that you just ruined your political career and lost the vast majority of your penis a few days later and life will still be pretty grim we just want to say Congratulations Frostbite Survivor!