Congratulations Actual Time Bandits!

“What was that?” she’ll ask, pen light in her mouth. You won’t know how to answer. You won’t be entirely sure yourself.

“I’m not entirely sure,” you’ll tell her, gazing in wonder at where your time machine has landed.

It won’t be much of a machine. Little more than a metal tube with a single reinforced window in its door and the apparatus, far too complex to be described here, that allows you to travel through space and time through the discharge of massive amounts of energy. Shoshanna will be looking into that apparatus while she holds the pen light in her mouth, watching for any sign of strain or stress that could potentially result in an error.

“Looks good,” she’ll mumble at herself. Then she’ll look at you, all atremble, a stone’s throw from soaking in your own urine, and she’ll smile. “When are we?” she’ll ask.

She likes to say that, more than she probably should. She gets a kick out of making you uncomfortable, making you wonder why she feels this whole situation is so fucking normal. And she likes that you can’t answer. You’ll think it’s because she’s kind of a dick, but it’s really because she thinks you’re cute and she likes watching you get flustered. The seconds after a shift, the seconds where you try to respond, these are the times you’re silent. The times she can fully enjoy your company.

“Not… Not sure,” you’ll mumble, gasping in air. She’ll smile and unhook herself from her harness, sliding gently to the floor of the machine

“Well, let’s find out.”

She’ll look at the air gauge, displayed on the far side of the protective glass. It’ll show a green smiley face, a clear sign that there is breathable air at tolerable atmospheric pressure outside. She’ll nod and turn the wheel, causing the door of the time machine to issue a series of creaks and moans. It’ll hiss as the moderately pressurized environment in the time machine equalizes with the world outside, and when she finishes the new air will rush in, filling the capsule with a foul odor.

“Ugh,” she’ll say, waving her hand. “What the fuck is this?”

By now you’ll have unhooked yourself and, unsteadily as is your way after each jump, lowered yourself to the ground. You’ll be breathing heavily, head between your knees, gathering your strength to find out just what kind of awful mold is making the smell invading the capsule wholesale. When you stand up you’ll want to laugh.

This place will be instantly familiar to you. Not as a historic landmark or even an area of note. Quite the opposite. When you were five, when it was 1986, Giraldo Rivera opened the place you’re now in up. It was completely bare inside, but it won’t be now. Instead it’ll be stacked. Stacked with aging paper bills, gold bullions and a variety of coins that, while at the time you must be totally valueless, will be worth a fortune in many other times. Particularly your time, if you ever get back there again.

“We’ve got to clean this place out,” you’ll tell Shoshanna, and she’ll laugh.

“What’s a little more?” she’ll chuckle as she opens your zero point storage compartment, already backed with scads and scads of inorganic matter from a thousand different times. The two of you will quickly load Capone’s vault into it, taking great care not to let your body parts linger in its hold. When you’re finished you’ll have successfully taken everything in Al Capone’s vault.

“I’d rate this just below when we raided the Vatican’s statue dick storage facility,” you’ll tell Shoshanna, patting her on the back as the two of you re-enter the time machine. She’ll cluck her tongue and look at the back of your head, considering taking you by the neck and kissing you, but thinking better of it.

“Better to make you wait,” she’ll mutter under her breath.

Congratulations Actual Time Bandits!

Congratulations Actual Kublai Khan!

We watch plenty of Star Trek around here. A cursory examination of previous predictions should prove as much. But even we find it kind of hard to believe just what’s going to happen to you today. See you’re Kublai Khan, famed conqueror of the 13th century. And through a combination of ancient sorcery and romantic-comedy grade misunderstanding you’re going to be catapulted forward in time to the present day (today!)

You’ll arrive, for some weird reason, in downtown Seattle, where you’ll immediately begin terrorizing the incredibly mild residents of the jewel of the American Northwest. You’ll murder and rape and carve a bloody swath across town before Seattle’s police force finally assembles and politely asks you to stop your rampage.

You’ll ignore their requests, butchering their emissary and defiling his corpse in ways that even we consider unspeakable. This will prompt the authorities to enlist the aid of Wizards of the Coast and their impressive staff of mystics.

Wizards of the Coast will dump all of their resources into figuring out just how to get you the fuck out of our time and into a period where your behavior was considered par for the course rather than relentlessly dickish. They’ll spend three hours researching topics, scheduling meetings, and brainstorming before they use some crystals they harvested from the heart of a volcano and cast you back into the past, where you’ll live happily ever after.

Congratulations Actual Kublai Khan!