Congratulations on Learning the Dirty Secret About the Webcomics Business!

When you first got into webcomics it wasn’t even a business. It was just a bunch of fat, asocial nerds ignoring people who were telling them that they were going to fail. But ever since Scott McCloud opened his fat ass trap and started yammering about business structure and concepts relating to the “reinvention of a non-page” people started looking at webcomics and asking where all that amazing ad revenue and t-shirt money was going.

As you’ll find out later tonight a small portion of it goes to your rent. The rest of it actually goes towards a massive machine that sodomizes all but a handful of comic artists, ensuring that they must take it up the ass at least once a week from a giant robot in order to keep paying their rent and buying cocaine. The rest of the industry is seperated into two groups: the Penny-Arcade guys, who largely survive due to a deal with the devil (who happens to be incarnated in Robert Khoo, the merciless Asian businessman so evil he masterminded the Child’s Play charity which purchases toys so that they may be kept behind bulletproof glass from ailing children, just out of their reach) and the Dumbrella guys, who only let you into their group if you participate in their predominantly male orgies.

Today you’re going to try and get into Dumbrella and find out what they make the newbies do in order to get in on the sweet deal that is having Jeff Rowland produce and sell your t-shirts at breakneck speed. Tomorrow you’re going to wish you had medical coverage.

Congratulations on Learning the Dirty Secret About the Webcomics Business!

Congratulations on Being Raped by Tom Sizemore!

We apologize for the blanket nature of these predictions, as well as their brevity, but we’ve been swamped with “other stuff” we all have going on and, as a result, have not been able to meet our normal “telling you about your hideous fate” quotas.

As such we regret to inform you, on such brief notice, that anyone who did not participate in yesterday’s public singing exercise will be suddenly and violently raped by Tom Sizemore this evening. Mister Sizemore, while glad for the work, is generally angry and as such will likely not be gentle.

We recommend gritting your teeth or lubricating your asshole prior to sleeping. More adventurous readers might consider packing a razor blade up there, but then you risk the Wrath of Sizemore if things don’t work out the way you hope.

Whatever happens you brought this on yourself by disappointing Leslie Feist.

Congratulations on Being Raped by Tom Sizemore!