Congratulations on Receiving Oral Sex From Julia Roberts!

Some people talk about sexual misadventures with the colorful phrase, “it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.” The concept inherent in the statement is that someone’s sexual organs no longer have the tensile strength or muscle memory to hold their original shape so sex with that person becomes kind of unpleasant chore without any real sensation or enjoyment.

This is going to be a lot more like cave diving. There’s going to be moisture and heat, and it’ll surround your penis. Occasionally you’ll feel some fleshy device lapping at it, trolling at your member like a blind fish, but the sensation will be less one of pleasant stimulation and more one of passing dread, as if something horrible will happen to you while your dick is in her mouth. At first this sense of dread will be kind of arousing, but ere long it’ll just become tedious. Turns out getting a hummer and thinking about a strange serpentine creature destroying your genitals with its clumsy probing won’t be as erotic as the internet made it seem.

But still, she’ll be super famous, so you’ll concentrate as hard as you can to keep your penis hard. The end result will be that you’ll be about halfway flaccid when she finally asks you if there’s something wrong. You’ll shake your head no at first, then nod vigorously.

“I’d really like to do you now,” you’ll tell her, buying yourself a brief respite from the horrors of her mouth as you ply your own trade on Julia Robert’s relatively normal vagina. It’ll all go swimmingly until she suggests that the two of you sixty-nine for a while and you find yourself in trouble again. Just stick it out until she decides to let you in her vagina and it’ll all work out, kid. Vaginal sex, even with Julia Roberts, is the cat’s pajamas.

Congratulations on Receiving Oral Sex From Julia Roberts!

Congratulations on Your Shocking Endurance!

Most men hear the words “Julia Roberts Marathon” and quiver, but not you. You liked Pretty Woman and didn’t have any problems with Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts, whose very name should fill you with fear, doesn’t really do much for you as a result. You can deal with her on a physical and emotional level in a way that most human beings, male and female, simply aren’t capable of.

Which is why your wife will be so shocked when you don’t file for divorce halfway through Erin Brokovich. It’ll be film number five of your marathon, and none of the movies so far will have been related to elaborate heists. By the two third mark of Brokovich she’ll have begun to tremble visibly. When you ask her what’s wrong she’ll refuse to answer and the two of you will just continue watching Erin Brokovich.

She’ll enter a seizure around twenty minutes later, just before Erin Brokovich ends. You’ll drive her to the hospital post-haste, since you weren’t terribly invested in Erin Brokovich anyways. She’ll get there and you’ll describe the situation and doctors will immediately put 28 Days Later on a fly-ass plasma screen in her hospital room, resuscitating your wife in a matter of minutes. She’ll thank you profusely and apologize for putting you through all that terror just to make sure you really loved her and weren’t fucking her sister, which you’re doing, but your genetic abnormality will have cleared you of all suspicion in her eyes. So it’s really win-win for everyone involved, all thanks to your unique ability to watch Julia Roberts without losing your mind.

Congratulations on Your Shocking Endurance!