Congratulations Specially Treated Boil!

Today you’re a boil on Dark Angel star Jessica Alba’s butt.

“How did she get a boil on her spotless ass?” the world will cry out in one moment of collective rage.

“These things happen sometimes,” a single beleaguered doctor will attempt to inform the vast majority of the human population.

“What can we do?” the world will ask.

The doctor will outline a treatment plan that will largely involve lancing you and then keeping the resulting wound clean while it heals.

The public will be outraged.  Photographs will be taken of you and posted online, in statement of solidarity with Jessica Alba.  These photographs will in no way simply be ploys to post pictures of Jessica Alba’s flawless ass on the internet.

You will, thus examined by public eye before being summarily lanced, be the most specially treated boil in human history.

See what we did there?

Congratulations Specially Treated Boil!

Congratulations Crisco Fans!

Crisco is great. Just great. And everybody’s who’s anybody knows it.

It has a thousand and one uses. Cooking. Lubricant. And nine hundred and ninety nine others we’re unfamiliar with but we’re absolutely sure are there.

But there’s a problem. Big Olive Oil has been spread perfidious lies about the amazing product that is Crisco. They’ve been telling people it’s fatty, that it’s bad for them, that it gives them cancer and makes them cheat on their wives, husbands or life partners. And while the last one is kind of true it’s largely a result of stress in relationships which was there to start with which isn’t really Crisco’s fault at all. And we all know Olive Oil is just jealous.

Which is why it’s going to be so awesome when a bunch of cans of Crisco crawl out, take human form and defend themselves today on national television.

The mass of animal fat and love will take up its seat across a television studio from a talking head who will incessantly mention childhood obesity and how bad Crisco is for people, and Crisco will mention that it has never claimed to be a role model and that it cannot be blamed for how it is used.

Then it’ll bring out Jessica Alba and do her on national television.

The high point of the entire episode, which will last an extra fifteen minutes so we can see Crisco’s money shot, will be Jessica Alba turning towards the camera, her face twisted in ecstasy, crying out “I love you so fucking much, Crisco!”

Congratulations Crisco Fans!