Two hundred and thirty eight years ago, you were taking a
leak just outside Trenton, New Jersey.
At the time, everything seemed hunky dorey. You were being paid to oppress the fledgling
colonials of America, it was Christmas night, and you were pissing out most of
the booze you'd downed earlier that day.
On your way back to the cottage you were staying in, you tripped over a
root, fell into one of New Jersey's many historic sinkholes, and found yourself
trapped in a stick, creeping sap-like substance that we now know as
"amber." Within minutes, the
substance covered you, then solidified, trapping you for future civilizations
to discover through a process we've dubbed "science magic."
Today, after months of work, scientists will finally wake
you up from your two century slumber in a different part of New Jersey, where
they'll greet you in what they hope is period accurate garb. You'll immediately know something is wrong
and begin screaming at them in low German, which none of the scientists present
will speak. They'll restrain you easily;
despite being a professional soldier and a healthy adult by the standards of
the 1770s, these gangly scientists will be more than a match for you thanks to
modern advancements such as "diet and exercise."
Once they've got you held down, they'll get a linguist from
some fancy pants university to come in and talk to you. It'll be a lady professor, so immediately
after meeting her, you'll proposition her for sex. When she turns you down, you'll try to force
yourself upon her which will, again, end poorly. After an hour or two of conversation, she'll
ease you into the knowledge that you've been sleeping for nearly two and a half
centuries, and that the world around you has now changed. Black people have rights, women have rights,
gay people have rights. You'll stop her
there, being entirely unfamiliar with the concept of homosexual identity. When she explains the whole thing to you,
you'll feel aroused, slightly confused, and very, very angry. When prompted, you won't be able to explain
why, but you'll inform your translator that you'd like to join a protest
movement that sustains the traditional values of yore.
She'll direct you to a local Tea Party chapter. Unlike the Tea Party that happened during
your time, this Tea Party will consist almost entirely of overfed White people
who won't control most of the country's wealth.
Your initial confusion will wear off after you, with help from your
translator, establish your bonafides as a real live Colonial era American. The Tea Party will be incredibly excited,
doubly so for the fact that you're white, and will invite you to speak at their
next event.
You'll spend most of your speech laughing at the folly of
colonial rebellion, and how grossed out you are by gay dudes, but also how
you'd kind of like to learn more about them.
Overall, the Tea Partiers will be confused, but since you'll be saying
stuff about how bad it is to be gay, they'll cheer at the end all the same, and
you'll have found a group of friends who will make you feel right at home, at
least in terms of intolerance and knowledge of science and technology.
Congratulations Hessian!
