Congratulations Finger Puppets!

The lot of you will be placed on his fingers: one on the middle finger of one hand, two on the index and middle finger of the other hand.  When he begins to speak, he'll wiggle you back and forth, speaking shrilly through his nose more than anything else.

"OH MY!" he'll almost-scream.  "I BELIEVE IT IS TIME FOR SOME SEXY SEX!"

The children will laugh; they won't know enough about life to be ashamed and frightened of sex yet.  They'll still think it's joyful and funny.  That's why he'll be there, to correct that oversight.

"SEXY SEXY!" he'll not-scream while wiggling another finger.  "TIME FOR SEX STUFF TO HAPPEN!"

At this moment, he'll turn each of you around, exposing the gashes he'll have cut in you with a pair of pinking shears.  The children will look at you, a collection of condoms with frowny faces cut into them and googly eyes glued to the top.  They'll look at you as your puppeteer makes his hands tremble and begins to speak in a booming voice.

"DID YOU KNOW THAT CONDOMS ALWAYS, INEVITABLY FAIL?"

His voice will change suddenly to a falsetto.

"It's true!  Everyone who has sex with condoms will eventually become pregnant no matter what!"

At this point the teacher will enter the conversation.  He'll stroke his moustache gingerly and, raising his hand politely, ask in a rehearsed tone:

"But how can children avoid pregnancy then?"

"ABSTINANCE!" the puppeteer will shout, standing up from beneath the cardboard box he once crouched behind.  "Say it with me, kids!"

The children, staring at all of you, hanging limp and useless from the puppeteer's fingers, will repeat in terrified, hushed tones.  The puppeteer will laugh.  You, all three of you, will feel a twinge of regret.  Of all the fates that might become condoms, this was not the one you imagined for yourselves.  This was not the path you wanted.  And while one day you might find a way to sneak into your puppeteer's esophagus and put an end to his profound misuse of prophylactic materials, this will not be that day.  This will be a day rife with impotent rage and fear and a feeling, a very distinct feeling, that you're being perverted in the one way you shouldn't be: to make sex less safe, less secure, and less joyful.

Congratulations Finger Puppets!