Congratulations on Starting Your New Workout Routine!

Theme gyms are kind of amazing.  What could be better than working out in an effort to improve your lifespan and fight renal disease?  Doing it in a way that isn’t interminably boring!  There’s a theme gym for middle-aged women who want to hang out and discuss shit, there’s a theme gym for douchebags, and there are dozens of theme gyms for weightlifters.  But you didn’t know there was a theme gym for you until today.

Because today you discovered “Jurassic Gym.”

Located in the heart of downtown Buenos Aires, Jurassic Gym represents the pinnacle of exercise/pseudoscience.  At Jurassic Gym, patrons work out with the “help” of dinosaurs.

This is what the man outside the door informed you when you asked him what this amazing building actually contained.  You signed up immediately, giving him a few hundred of your dollars in exchange for a meeting with a trainer and a six month membership.  He accepted your money without batting an eyelash and handed you several contracts that did things like establish terms and conditions, clarify liability in the event that anything happened to you, and insure that you have full access to the facilities for the six month period you agreed upon.

Now you’re about to begin working out.  You’ll enter a massive indoor garden filled with plants and animals and the scent of blood.  You won’t see any other patrons, but you will notice scraps of clothing and battered improvised weapons which clearly did not fulfill their purpose.  With a shrug, you’ll begin jogging.  After a quarter mile, you’ll feel like you’re being watched.  After a half mile, you’ll know that you’re being watched.  By velociraptors.

They’ll burst forth from the bushes and leap at you.  You’ll scream and run and run some more. You’ll run for almost an entire hour until, breathless, you collapse at the top of a rock formation the raptors appear to have trouble climbing.  You’ll sit there, scanning the enclosure for any other patrons, watching the raptors as they spread out to surround your hiding place.  Feathers from the velociraptors will fill the air, filtering the light, making the entire scene surreally beautiful.  But the feathers will catch in the water, muddying its pristine surface, and bringing you back to the reality of your struggle to survive against dinosaurs.  You’ll sit there atop a particularly large boulder, praying that a tyrannosaurus arrives soon to assault the velociraptors and free you, like in your favorite movie of all time, Jurassic Park 2.

Congratulations on Starting Your New Workout Routine!